


Nowhere Left For Me

by EvelineOrihara



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Dark, Depression, Even though I totally think Shizuo being a tender fuck towards his s/o is canon but w/e, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Probably a little ooc because Shizuo is a tender fuck as it goes on, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, With Some Added Happiness Maybe eheheh, fic where Izaya has a personality similar to Roppi, mentions of Shinzaya (even though I don't ship it okay don't yell at me), so nsfw haha, yes there will be sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-06-01 18:15:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15148997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvelineOrihara/pseuds/EvelineOrihara
Summary: When the indestructible and unfeeling Izaya Orihara finally surrenders to the depression taking over his brain, he decides suicide is his only way out. But when Shizuo Heiwajima is thrown into the mix, will it ever be that simple? ((Updates 2 Sundays a month <3 I'm a busy bee)) |Between finishing school amongst other things, I'm going to have to put this on hiatus for a while. I hope you guys understand





	1. The Definition Of Insanity

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Author-chan here! I've had a presence on Wattpad for 4 years now, and I've finally decided to move my more recent works over here :) I've been known to be angsty and unforgiving to my favorite boys, so be prepared haha I hope you enjoy, and feel free to leave me down a comment or two! Thank you for reading! 
> 
> And Also, I will have a song title for every chapter, as I do listen to music while I write, and I make it a habit to dedicate a song to every chapter! So here's this chapter's dedication :)  
> [Set It Off - Nightmare]
> 
> -Eveline

One, two, three. One, two, three. Counting the cracks on my ceiling had become a tiresome task, one I had deemed worthless on what feels like a day eons ago. The switchblade in my hand felt cold and foreign despite its permanent place in my grip recently. Was I waiting for someone to come and assassinate me? Maybe. I had come undone, letting the shakes of both cold and loneliness take over. I had never felt so alien in my own being. I wasn't Izaya Orihara. No, not anymore. Izaya Orihara, the famous info broker of Japan, wasn't some crumbled heap of emotions on a futon, he was lively and indifferent and running errands for the Awakusu-Kai.

Picking up my cellphone and flipping through it's contents and contacts was futile. I didn't have anything to sell and nothing to blackmail. No one to call, not even to beg for death. Who would dare even pick up a call from Izaya Orihara in the first place? At this point, I didn't even think Shiki would pick up a call from me.

I laughed in spite of my current situation. Who knew the tables would turn so violently against me? All my humans who skitter about on the streets had abandoned me, turning away from my eternal sick love. Those who I used and those who used me had even turned their cheeks, leaving me to rot with no further use or purpose. Not even the blond monster from Ikebukuro had inquired upon my absence. There was nowhere left for me.

The human thing for me to do perhaps was to cry, or maybe even swallow down a handful of pills with a glass of whiskey. Though tempting, in the drained mental state I had found myself in, it would take more bargaining than I was willing to do for some measly opiates. Letting out a pained chuckle, I pondered. Was I really methodising my own suicide? Was I really contemplating taking my own life? A dark smirk found it's way onto my face at the insinuation. So very interesting human nature was.

I turned to glance at the clock, surprised it was only half past seven. The sun over West Shinjuku was setting, the evening light bleeding through my blinds and casting small rainbow mirages over the surface of my carpet. I yearned to be out on the streets, to be close to my beloved humans, but the shattered heart in my chest and the sickness in my brain made even the smallest tasks the most laborious.

Maybe taking my life would be best. My poisonous thoughts had begun to make more sense to me than my actual ones, leading me to glance at my scabbed wrists for what felt like the thousandth time today. Who would've thought that I could possibly be the most human of all my precious pawns.

As time ticked by slower and slower, I grew more restless and agitated. I hated being a useless heap of skin and organs. My whole being, my whole reason behind living in the first place was to be needed. My job description was based on the premise of being needed for fucks sake. Reaching a hand towards the ceiling, I let out a strangled sigh and traced the outline of my slender fingers with my eyes.

My phone buzzed giving my heart a shock. My breathing caught in my throat, causing me to sit up and cough. Glaring at my phone screen, I sighed wondering what the spectacled idiot needed now. While I was groveling in my sorrow and longing for human interaction, I didn't mean I really wanted anyone to interact with me. Didn't the universe know that I couldn't put up a front any longer?

Grabbing my phone, I decided my course of action. I would take the stairwell to the roof and plunge off the edge to my demise. A beautiful death, one that would paint the pavement a beautiful red. Not only would it make a statement and cure the illness that had taken my individuality from me, but it would be a wonderful human experiment. What would my gorgeous humans think when I went splat upon the pavement? What kind of stress would it cause Shinra if I called him back with a suicide note monologue? I could almost laugh, feeling a small shred of happiness bite at the depression drowning my brain.

Standing from my living room futon I could almost feel the ground drop from beneath my feet as the world spun around me. Depression was a cruel mistress. Not only did it encourage you to make yourself into a brain smoothie upon the pavement, but it also took away your will to eat, drink, and leave home. I couldn't remember how many hours it had been since I had risen to even go to the bathroom, but I estimated somewhere around twelve. Though no matter how much the world spun and made me want vomit, I pushed forward. This was what was best anyway.

I tried convincing myself on the slow climb to the roof that this was all because I wanted to conduct my final wonderful experiment, not only to test those around me, but to truly once and for all find out what awaits us in the afterlife, but I was doubting myself. The closer I got to the roof the more tears gathered in my eyes. I wouldn't cry, no, I'd be a cracked skull upon the concrete before I surrendered to showing weakness even to my own self. The pang in my chest that reverberated throughout my entire tired body told me this wasn't an experiment, this was a desire. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself and finally rid the world of the disgusting insect known as Izaya Orihara. As I had iterated earlier, there was nowhere left for me. I was alone in the world and truly no one would miss me. I was just a lowly flea. My life had become nothing short of the definition of insanity; try something over and over again expecting a different outcome.

Pushing open the door leading to the roof I redialed the underground doctor, deciding that this wasn't indeed a game but a true suicide. Compiling all of my mental data on suicide notes, such as the ones I had tricked numerous stupid females into conducting, I composed my own. Within two rings, Shinra had picked up, cheery voice on the other line making me nauseous.

"Izaaaaaya, I tried to get a hold of you earlier. It was rather important too. Did you send some guys after Sh-" As much as I would love (loathe) hearing Shinra drone on in his cotton candy voice about whatever bullshit I had done this time, I cut him off, eager to just get to the point, as my balance on the very edge of this roof became more and more disconcerting.

"Just shut up for thirty seconds and listen to what I have to say Shinra, for fucks sake," The waiting silence on the other line told me he was in an obedient mood this evening. Staring out at the lights that glistened in the new night, I decided I wasn't going back on this. 24 years was too long to be on this Earth, I was done. "Can you guess where I am? Probably not, you're really an idiot unless you're prescribing an opiate or working on some poor sap on your operating table," I teased, trying my best to make my last conversation worth it.

"I'm standing on the edge of my building's roof, how funny yes I know. Izaya Orihara has finally lost his mind? Ding ding! You sir win a prize!" My feigned playfulness was the best rouse I could pull on Shinra to keep him from sending Celty after me in hopes of coaxing me down, "Now before the suspense kills you, dear old friend, I'll reveal to you what I'm doing up here. I plan on jumping- yes, all the way down down down to the bottom in a big ol' SPLAT!" I let out a shrill laugh, trying the best I could to hide the tears that had threatened to coat my cheeks. Taking a deep breath I decided this would be quick and painless.

With my fake Cheshire grin gone with the wind that whipped my hair back and forth, I let Shinra finally hear how I actually felt, "Shinra, I don't feel like myself anymore. I haven't eaten in a week, I haven't done work for Shiki in nearly a month. I'm miserable," The tears that had threatened to spill were now pooling down my face as hoarse sobs choked forth from my throat, "I don't have anywhere I belong. Slitting my wrists isn't even numbing anymore Shinra, this is my last resort. I don't want to be here anymore alright? Pity me all you want but I can't handle this anymore. Don't you dare even think of sending Celty here either, just let me be," I took in a sharp breath trying to steady my words, knowing how absolutely pathetic I must've sounded.

"Just, tell Mairu and Kururi that I said goodbye, and make sure they're okay. They're impossible and inhumanely annoying, but I take credit for making them monsters and I'm sorry. Make sure you give Namie the money I am sure to owe her and let Shiki know it was a pleasure working alongside him and the Awakusu while I could. Tell Dotachin that I'll miss him, and don't forget to take care of yourself and Celty you shitty four-eyed nerd," I wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeve and painted that disgusting grin back on my face for old times sake.

"And do be sure to tell my dear Shizu-chan that I'll see him in hell,"

I'm not sure Shinra could take in anything I could say, but I didn't care anymore. I'd said what I had to say and that was that. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, readying myself the best I could to just disappear. Before I could fight with myself concerning this, my final decision, I released the tension from my shoulders and let the wind take me.

Falling forward I found that I'd felt the happiest I had in months.

Crack.


	2. I'm Not Your Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Author-chan here! Hope you enjoy this chapter! Here is your song for this chapter!   
> [New Years Day - The Joker]
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> -Eveline

Eyes shut tight, I waited to hit the pavement. One minute ticked on and on, until a crack resounded in my ears. Was it my own skull I was hearing? Very odd, I thought, but indeed if it were my own skull I'm sure I would cease to exist by now. Was this the afterlife then? Opening my eyes and looking straight downward, I found myself dangling 7 stories above the ground. Dumbfounded I stared down at my phone, which had broken into thousands of pieces on the sidewalk directly below me. Sighing, I admitted defeat. I was probably hanging here by the hood of my jacket, left to await death until my weight became too much for it to bear.

"Oi, Flea, would you give me a fucking hand and stop dangling there like underpants on a clothesline?"

A wave of sheer unadulterated panic swept through me as his agitated voice reached my ears. Thrusting my hand into my pocket, I frantically searched for the cold metal of my switchblade, letting my anxiety take over when I found it was not there. Gently swinging my body back and forth, I searched for any clue that it was indeed within my grasp. Feeling a weight in my opposite pocket, I reached for it with all of my effort, only gathering after trial and error that my arm had somehow been pinned in place. 

The adrenaline surging through my bloodstream had been so intense I hadn't felt the strong grip on my right wrist until this very second. Considering it wasn't my dominant hand, it's no wonder I was ignorant to the sensation this entire time. Following the strength to its source, I was met with a pair of angry golden eyes. I was powerless. I had no way to grasp my switchblade and no strength to evade whatever abuse would come from letting him pull me up. Again I was stuck with one option and one alone, and it ended as me a stain on the pavement. 

"I know you aren't deaf Flea! Help me out here!" His grip was strained and his seething anger was rising. He squeezed onto my wrist for extra support, earning a pained wince on my end. The brute had no concept of his own strength and now of all times I deemed it the most annoying. Though I teased him in my head, my lack of an escape route made me for once in my miserable life feel threatened by Shizuo Heiwajima.

I let out a pained chuckle. How pathetic was this situation? I was no damsel in distress. I was a brilliant escape artist; I had evaded this monster for years, always getting my way despite his unpredictable nature. I had to think, and fast. I knew the situation I was in, and had already deduced that my course of action would end in suicide, but how? How could I pull this off with the constricting variables presented before me? 

A dark Cheshire grin painted its way across my face. Checkmate. 

Swinging my arm upwards, I gripped onto Shizuo's arm with what little strength my body had left. The surprise in his eyes made my smile widen tenfold. What a fool he was. As soon as I was pulled high enough, I reached over the ledge, heaving myself back onto the roof. Rising to my feet once again, I flicked out my switchblade finally, making Shizuo take a few strides backwards in caution. 

"Funny fucking way to say thank you, don't you think Flea?" He scoffed at my violent nature. I chuckled at his response. Who was he to crack such jokes in the position he was in; Unarmed and taking the defensive, he had nothing on me at this distance.

Feeling my confidence rush back through my veins, I decided to taunt him one last time, while I had him at my disposal, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know monsters had feelings too," I laughed, the thought personified into words even funnier than it was in my head, "I didn't know you switched jobs Shizu-chan, becoming a super hero and all, it's very disappointing really. I think I prefer you as a brainless brute, ne?" His face twisted in annoyance to my absolute chagrin. Who needed drugs when the thrill of getting under the skin of another was enough to provoke absolute ecstasy? 

"I'm sorry to tell you this on your first day of the job my dear Shizu-chan, but you're too late. Did you really think pulling me up and leaving me on the edge like this was smart?" I chuckled, "You really are a single celled idiot," 

Before the words could truly pierce his dense brain, I threw my blade straight at his head, only missing by a mere centimeter. It stuck in the door behind him, grabbing all his protozoic attention. Such an animal, I thought, for something so minuscule to catch his attention so easily. Stepping backwards, I angled myself with my back toward the night-fallen city, ready to take my descent into the unknown. Smiling I gave Shizuo one last taunt.

"Ne, Shizu-chan?" I grabbed his attention, his head snapping towards me once more, "I hope you take full responsibility for this, seeing as it is all your fault anyway. Bye bye now~" Taking one hop backwards off the edge, I found my hair whipping all around me as I begun my fall towards the world down below us.

Before I could close my eyes and accept death into my lonesome arms, I was greeted with an unthinkable and impossible image, making the corners of my mouth turn upwards once again in delight. So fucking unpredictable he was. And absolutely a fool.

"IZAYA!"He screamed, throwing himself over the edge without a second thought. There was an undeniable hate between us, that much was true, and as much as I wanted to dismiss this act of insanity as nothing more than a strong moral code, there was a hint of genuine panic in his eyes that I couldn't overlook. 

Reaching towards me, his larger stature made his descent quicker, allowing him to grab a hold of my small stature, flipping us around so that once we did hit the ground, he would take all the impact. I couldn't help but snicker. This was certainly the last outcome I had predicted from Shizuo, of all people nonetheless, but the exhilaration that burned in my veins over his actions was enough to satisfy me. A monster trying so very hard to be human, how laughable it was. 

Seconds before impact with the unforgiving ground, our bodies became entwined with a familiar string of shadows, which lowered us to the ground gently, much to my dismay. Celty stood a few feet away with her arm outstretched, controlling her Dullahan shadows with what I could only assume was anxiety. Shinra stood beside her, making a beeline for me as soon he was sure my two feet were on the ground and I was safe.

"You fucking idiot!" He yelled at me, giving my cheek a harsh slap. To say I was surprised was an understatement, as his mouth was often more than swear free and his disposition nonchalant, never violent. When I cracked an intrigued smirk, my face was administered another stinging smack, "I don't know what you were thinking even pulling a stunt like this Izaya, but you are damn lucky that Shizuo was with me when you decided to call me preaching nonsense that you wanted to die. I don't care how messed up you and your job are, but it's cruel to hurt those around you like this, and just for some stupid experiment!" 

My smirk falling almost instantly, the sting on my skin had sunk through my body, leading my already sorrow-filled heart to lurch forward in agony. Of course he would see right through the real me and recognize the rouse instead of the authenticity of my actual feelings. Seeing my face drop so quickly, I could see he almost regretted his words, but I didn't need his pity, nor did I want it. Was he really so dense that he thought I would kill myself as a statement, or was I really that good of a liar that I had convinced those around me that I was that person.

Plastering my telltale grin back onto my face, I pressed my forehead against Shinra's in an attempt to feign dominance and composure, "Well, since I'm such garbage, you should've just let me fall and split my head open on the concrete," I laughed through my nose, carrying on in the most sarcastic tone I could manage, "Maybe try meaning your words before you try to lecture me Shinra, you've really never been good at swaying my opinion," I lied through my teeth, trying to pierce the doctor's resolve with daggers. 

To my surprise though, Shinra shoved me backwards with force enough to rival my own on a good day, leading me to fall into my former position in Shizuo's grip. He gripped me tightly, leading me to stand there defenseless and confused as all hell, awaiting the forth-coming explanation.

"You really are an asshole Izaya," Shinra choked out, not sounding at all as tough as I'm sure he would've hoped, "I can't believe how heartless you're being right now. I've known you for 10 years, and you can't even tell me aloud how you're really feeling unless you're about to end your life?" His words shocked me, my eyes widening in both confusion and horror. So he could see through me after all huh? "I'm your friend, as much as I hate to say it a majority of the time. And yes, I'll get to the point, knowing how you hate my useless drabble, as you like to call it so often. I'm worried about you Izaya," His words slammed into me like a freight train, taking all the breath from my lungs.

"I know you're not going to like this, but I'm having Shizuo look after you until I can be certain you won't pull another stunt like the one you've just orchestrated, and before you ask me 'Why Shizuo?', I'm sure you can answer that yourself. You and I both know he's the only one strong enough to stop you from harming yourself any further," His eyes dragged up and down my arms referencing the multiple fresh and scabbed wounds that were hidden beneath my sleeves. Suddenly feeling very exposed, I pulled the hems of my jacket over my knuckles, hiding the symbols of shame that lay beneath. 

Surrendering myself to Shinra's harsh and unmasking words, I suddenly felt very tired. This was not the outcome I was expecting, not at all. Usually I was an expert at deducting other's reasoning and predicting the course of action they would take, but I had grossly misjudged this situation. Maybe this sickness that burned in my brain constantly telling me I was the scum of the Earth had finally gotten to me. My reasoning was off, as well as my emotional guard. Who did my brain think it was showing so much weakness, especially in front of Shizuo Heiwajima of all people? What was I doing even letting his disgusting hands stay wrapped around my upper arms, even if to just keep me in place? Who the fuck even was I anymore?

I didn't protest Shinra, even though the voice inside of me pleaded to fight until the bitter end to preserve my loneliness. Sighing, I muttered the most venomous 'Whatever' that I could. As Shizuo's grip on me loosened, I could feel my anxiety drip off of me like raindrops. Carrying a disposition more like myself finally, I sorted through the shattered pieces of what was left of my cellphone, settling on just retrieving the memory card so that I could extract my business contacts. Withdrawing my hands into my pockets, I turned to look Shinra in the eyes.

"Just because you're dropping a watch dog onto my property, especially one I despise with every fiber of my being, don't expect change. You know better than most how well that works in the long run," I share a knowing look with him, referencing our days of youth at Raira and certain mistakes that we had made along the way, "You may be a skilled doctor, but not even you can cure depression with the method of isolate, diagnose, fix, that physicians such as yourself take," I shot him a look of acid, hoping it burned his pride, "When I'm laying in a pool of my own blood, wrists slit, or throat slashed, I want you to remember that." 

Seeing the disgust twist on his face and turn to fear and then sadness provoked another smirk from deep within me. As mentally ill as I was, the depression couldn't keep down the joy that observing other's reactions gave me. 

Turning on my heels, I started making my way towards the doors of the complex I called my home. Stopping for a second, I turned my attention to the brute, "If you're planning on coming, mutt, you'd better move quickly, or I'm going to lock you out like a real dog," 

Letting out a low growl, the protozoan's footsteps were soon audible behind me. Wrapping my arms around myself, I tried to hold in all the sick feelings that were threatening to burst out. The tears, the self pity, the suicidal ideation, all of the malice that this fucked up head could conjure up. 

Sighing, I let out a self-deprecating chuckle, knowing that this was going to be an interesting and absolutely repulsive living situation.


	3. Fool Me Once, Shame On You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beauties! I've been writing at the speed of light lately, woohoo! Enjoy this chapter of Izaya being a stubborn little shit haha The song for this chapter is:  
> [Set It Off - Wolf in Sheep's Clothing]
> 
> -Eveline

Closing the front door, I already felt sick being forced to breathe the same air as Shizuo. As much as my gut told me to throw him out and isolate myself from the world that kept spinning even without me, I was set on proving Shinra wrong. Who made him so high and mighty that he thought he could change the inevitability of my looming suicide? He knew where this dirt road had led us last time, so why did he think this outcome would prove to be any different than the last? Scoffing, I threw the thoughts of him from my head, revoking his status as one of the humans I loved so very dearly. He was garbage as low as Shizuo Heiwajima and I would not stand for my thoughts to be poisoned any longer by the mere notion of him. 

Glancing over at the monster, I felt abhorrent seeing him so comfortably sat on my futon, flipping through the channels of my TV as if this situation wasn't as repulsive to him as it was to me. Twisting my face in disgust, I practically dragged myself to my staircase, not having enough physical energy, let alone mental energy, to provoke him. It was nearly half past 9 and way past the acceptable time I allotted for dealing with the brute.

Slithering up the stairs, I heard the blond menace rise from his spot on the couch, and soon his steps followed closely behind mine. Stopping abruptly, I put my face in my hands, so very close to breaking already, I didn't need this moron here provoking me further. 

"You really are a dog, huh?" I teased, my voice tired and languid, not sounding anywhere near as playful and mocking as I'd intended, "Stop following me it's revolting. If I distance myself from you, I might actually be able to pretend you're dead and gone or something of the sort," Turning around and meeting his golden eyes, I was shocked to find a glimpse of hurt residing in his gaze before hardening into the emotionless orbs I'd expected to face. 

He averted his stony gaze, "I was there when you called Flea. I'm not doing this for you, so don't mistake it as that. I hate you, and that won't change, but I won't watch you destroy Shinra with your selfish suicide," His words bordered on being venomous, but something deep inside held him back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued by his sudden self control, "You might not give a shit about Shinra, but don't forget that he still offers you kindness. That's more than you can say about the majority of Japan, so I'd start to think about my actions if I were you,"

My cold, lifeless laugh resounded throughout the room. Was I on a prank TV show? Please, come out, show me the hidden cameras! This was simply too much of a joke to be sincere! "Oh please! You're really going to tell me to be considerate of my actions? You, of all people? Oh Shizu-chan this is too funny of a joke, you're hurting my ribs!" I wiped the humor fueled tears that had started to build in my eyes, "You rip up any street sign, trash can, and vending machine in your path! How can you hypocritically preach to me about consideration when you lose your temper at the drop of a pin? You really are an idiot, even bigger of an idiot than I had originally thought!" 

My laughing enticed a low growl from him, obviously grating on his nerves. Oh I was sure it wouldn't be long now. I was going to win! The anticipation was killing me, victory in my grasp, sweet sweet fucking death at the hands of this inhuman being leering over me, the final blow in having the world considering him as the monster he was-

"You can laugh all you want Flea, but no matter how much you fucking taunt me, I'm staying right here until you're back to your fucked up self," He breathed out, anger dissipating in the air, and ultimately breaking my ecstasy filled internal victory speech, "You've sunk low into the filth of Japan before, but you've had an extra stink about you lately. It really fucking stinks, so stop this and get better already Izaya,"

As much as my internal self wanted to tease him endlessly about his beastly sense of smell, furthering proof he was far from human might I add, I was too taken aback at my name rolling off his tongue so casually. It sent a cold shiver down my spine at the unfamiliarity of it all. 

"Don't say that ever again. I am a Flea and you are a protozoic Monster, and that's how it stays. Got it? Don't you dare call me by my name so casually. It's foul," I spat. I wouldn't dare let him unravel me like this. I wasn't some thread on a t-shirt he couldn't help but pull at. I was Izaya Orihara, and no matter what shape my psyche was in, that was a fact that wouldn't change. My one constant variable on this ever spinning sphere of life. 

His eyes stayed as the glassy honey orbs they had been, showing me no semblance of a single emotion. Again, the tables were turning violently against me, his sheer emotionless gaze making my blood boil. What the fuck was this and how the fuck was Shizuo Heiwajima doing it to me? 

I felt like a stranger in my own skin, my own actions foreign to me. My sick and twisted head was not only taking my individuality, but my comfort and the process of living my daily life. I was being assimilated into a hollow shell ruled by the depression that weighed so heavily over me. My skin began to crawl, prickling my skin everywhere until finally it reached my chest, taking up residence and disturbing my hearts former calm rhythm. As my anxiety began to escalate, my body screamed for isolation. I couldn't be seen being weak, not again. Not ever again. 

The world begun spinning around me like some sort of carousel from hell, my legs wobbling under the mental pressure. Turning away from Shizuo, I tried to hide my shame, silently climbing the stairs slowly. Everything around me was turning upside down, and soon I found myself clinging to the railing in desperation, hoping that the solidity of a static object would make this all come to a stop.

"Izaya? Are you okay?" Shizuo asked, and though I knew in my brain he was only mere steps behind me, he sounded as if he was calling to me from a deserted island, as I sunk deeper and deeper into the ocean. The sound of my name so casually dripping from his lips like honey once more, ignited my demise. I said it was repulsive, foul, disgusting, sickening, but the concern, the actual general concern that flowed so easily through his words, even to someone he considered his enemy, sunk deep into my stomach, leaving a feeling so unfamiliar to bud. Something akin to sickness, but too gentle to be considered malicious. What the fuck was happening?!

The world begun spinning faster, and soon everything was in doubles, and then triples. My arms begun to shake, my grip on the railing becoming nonexistent as I sank to my knees in defeat. I didn't know who this person was that lived inside of me, this scared sorrowful child that had made my head his home. I was being tortured from the inside out, juggling my outward disposition between two separate personas that didn't mirror each other in the slightest. When could I just be Izaya again? Why did I have to kneel here before my greatest enemy, paralyzed from fear that had invaded my head and made it it's home?

I let a sob choke forth from deep within me, making me feel even more pathetic than I had already. This was just fucking great. I had sunken low enough to have an absolute full mental breakdown on my staircase in front of Shizuo of all people. The cause? My name kindly coming from the mouth of someone I despised. How shameful, how disgusting. If my switchblade hadn't been jammed in the door leading to the roof, I would've already slit my throat in humiliation. 

While I knelt there in dismay, choking out the sobs that reverberated though my hollow chest, I felt a strong pair of arms lift me up, holding me against their source tightly. Knowing it was the revolting single-celled organism that plagued me with this panic attack, I readied myself to fight back against the sickeningly compassionate gesture, but before I could act, his voice reached my ears, sounding much closer than before, almost as if it had lifted me from the depths of the ocean once more.

"I won't look at you alright? I don't care how sick you are or whatever is going on, but I respect that this is probably the grossest shit you've ever experienced," His words were velvet and calm, a side of the brute I had never seen, "You're frankly the biggest piece of shit I know, and your very being makes me want to puke, but this, this isn't right. Watching you suffer alone, at first it felt good, because honestly you deserve it, but now it hurts me, more than I'm ready to admit to you," 

I was disgusted. How dare he use those words towards me. I didn't need his pity, I was not dirt and I would not let him step on me with his condescending words. How could he stand there, let alone hold me against him, and lie through his teeth. Disgusting, hideous! He was only thinking of himself in the end, this was all just a front to protect his fragile moral code. I would not become another statistic, sitting next to the children and animals he showed kindness to. Fool me once Heiwajima, shame on you, but I will not let your words lull me into a state of dependency, let alone call a stalemate on my hatred for you! The bud that was growing in my stomach would die, and I would be sure of it. I wouldn't feed it the confused unpleasant feelings it so craved, I would starve it, isolating myself from the monster that had planted the awful seed to begin with. 

Sensing my obvious distaste in his choice of words, he let out a low humorless laugh. I hadn't the faintest clue what was entertaining about my loathsome temperament, but in my current state I couldn't even rescue myself from his clutches. The room was still spinning on it's axis, making my insides lurch at the visual, my knees and elbows too weak to even hope for an attempt at escape. Realizing this, I sank into his hold, knowing that acting upon the fight or flight screaming in my chest was futile. 

Feeling my feeble body soften in his grip, he finally made his move, carrying me up to the second floor. Kicking my leg gently in the direction of my room, I craved sleep. I longed for my cool sheets and the darkness that covered the chamber I called my own. I felt feverish, the anxiety making my face hot and uncomfortable. 

Finally meeting my cold sheets as Shizuo released me into the comfort of my bed, I absorbed the best feeling I'd had in a long time. Nestling into the comfort that calmed my shaken body, I motioned for the animal to leave my sight, but only after giving in to my human tendencies. 

"Thanks for getting me up here Shizu-chan," I mocked, "You can sleep on the futon in the living room, and if you leave without running it by me first, I won't be letting you back in, so stay, like a good mutt should,"

Peeking at him before he turned around to descend my stairs, I could see the ghost of a smile leave his unusually content face. As much as I wanted to cast it away as abominable and sickening, I felt the corners of my mouth turn upwards before I could stop them, and when I found a glass of water and my laptop on my bedside table the next morning, I knew that this arrangement was going to be even more troublesome than I had originally feared, as the bud in my stomach grew, if only by the smallest decimeter, making me feel a grotesque appreciative pang shudder through my chest. 

Sighing, I could only laugh at my weakness. 

Fool me twice Shizuo, shame on me.


	4. Rose, Bud, And Thorn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! It took me all day to write this ;^;" So I hope you enjoy!   
> Your song for this chapter is as follows:  
> [Nothing, Nowhere - Houdini]
> 
> -Eveline

Mentally berating myself, I tossed and turned, extremely annoyed at my inability to get any work done. What was I even good for anymore? Rotting in this bed? I was drowning in self pity, every second of silence opening my brain up to an attack of hurtful words and methods to end it all. This life was hopeless. Reaching into my sweatshirt, I grabbed for my switchblade, even more vexed when I couldn't find it in it's rightful place. 

Barely recalling the events of last nights escapade, I pushed my palms against my eyes in aggravation. My blade was probably still stuck on the roof, waiting to be found. Knowing that the vertigo had set in, I was already rendered useless for the day. Considering the fact that I couldn't leave my bed and that hell would freeze over before Shizuo let me back on that roof, especially unsupervised, I needed, for once and only once, to rely on him to retrieve my missing item. 

"Shizu-chaaaaan!" I called through the house, uncharacteristically hoping he'd actually show up. Waiting what felt like an eternity, I became agitated. 'Did he leave?' I wondered, 'He had heard me say he couldn't, right?' Anxiety bubbling up in my chest at the sudden deafening silence, I looked for the loudest source of noise I could produce, finally settling on the glass of water Shizuo had set next to me at an unknown time this morning.

Not caring about the water that was sure to soak me, I tossed the glass with all my might, watching it shatter instantly upon contact with my bedroom door. My heart pounding out of my chest, I was sure I had been left alone to rot, until I heard the banging of a frantic man come charging up my stairs. Whipping my door open, a disheveled protozoan stood there. Obviously freshly awake, his hair was tousled about, sticking up in most places. His eyes were groggy, showing he hadn't gotten much sleep, and his pants hung low on his waist while his chest adorned no shirt. 

"Wow Shizu-chan, you look like shit. I feel sorry for your future wife, she's going to have to wake up to such a terrible sight~," I teased, breaking the ice that stood so firmly between us. Stiffening, I became serious once more, "Would you mind going up to the roof to retrieve my switchblade? I just don't seem to feel like myself without it," I lied, flashing him a disgustingly forced smirk. I had hoped, praying to the higher power I didn't believe in, that he didn't catch on to my plans.

As weak and pitiful as the whole ordeal was, I craved the feeling of blood leaking down my arms. I longed for the synthetic release of my demons, as they leaked forth through the small incisions I sliced into my skin. A small shudder ran through my body, making me feel wretched and weak. Who knew that I'd one day be sitting here, absolutely consumed by the euphoria of harming myself. How could it be that I, the one who mocked the mere premise of suicide in Japan, would be the one trying so desperately to obtain it? Reasoning with myself and talking through the rationale in my head was futile. I was just too far gone to save. 

Shizuo shot me an uneasy look, obviously not impervious to the fact that I was indeed lying. I let out a breathy chortle, amazed that I was transparent to even the most single-celled organisms. "You can stop looking at me like that you moron, I'm not some hideous exhibit in an art museum," I stopped, giving him a once over, his unkempt appearance definitely making him look as dumb as he was, "If you're worried I'm going to slit my throat or stab myself, I can assure you I'm not planning to do either of those things, especially not in the privacy of my own bedroom. Izaya Orihara's death must be a statement, no?" I goaded him, hoping he would soon become fed up, ultimately tossing a piece of the decimated glass at his feet, lodging it straight into my heart and stopping it for good.

His face dropped further, showing that disgusting concern of his once more. My stomach ached, the small bud growing further as I swallowed down the responsibility I held in making those eyes full of sunshine dim, as if they were light-bulbs just barely clinging to life. I sneered, my eyes warning him that if he kept making me feel these things I would be forced to kill him. "Can you just stop being useless and get my knife? For fucks sake, do we speak different languages?" My voice was becoming louder, my heartbeat, faster. It was as if I was an addict without his fix, clinging onto the sting of fresh self inflicted wounds as my drug of choice. 

Before I could insult him any further, he turned on his heels. Whether it meant he had decided to be useful or to leave, I couldn't tell. Turning back towards me, He locked his eyes with mine, "What did you mean by that?" His words dripping with both sorrow and curiosity, my head had begun to spin once again.

"What are you even talking about? If you're going to speak to me, at least try to make some semblance of sense," I glared at him, in no mood to have to dumb myself down to his pathetic level. 

Sensing this, he turned away, hiding what I knew was another pained expression directed towards my verbal abuse. Why you ask? How could I have known? I hated him with every fiber of my being, this growing bud not changing that in the slightest. Just because he wanted to play house and pretend he was human for a few days, didn't mean I was obligated to play along. 

"What you said before you jumped yesterday," He muttered, almost quiet enough to escape my range of hearing, "You said you had hoped I'd taken responsibility. You said that it was my fault you were up there. Is that true?"

My face heated to an approximate 43 degrees celsius, the tips of my ears burning with humiliation. Had I truly said that? I flipped through the internal filing cabinet that held my memory, but last night's file was filled to the brim with whited out files and blanks. Surely I hadn't meant that! I was up there to end my life of my own volition, that was it! I wanted to go out on my own terms, conducting a final experiment and saying my goodbyes to my only friend. That was all that was on my mind. I couldn't even pinpoint a time that that blond mistake was even on my mind to begin with! 

Still obviously taken aback by Shizuo's statement, I choked out the best solution I could think of on the spot, making sure every shaken venomous word counted, "W-Well," I cleared my throat, the hitch in my voice betraying the poker face I usually wore so well, "You're just like Shinra. Just another lab rat in my experiment, t-that's all. I meant it to provoke you, end of story. Don't make it into something it isn't just because you're a lonely beast who longs to be human," 

The snarl on his face excited me, my words finally getting through his thick exterior. I lusted for some action, some sort of conflict to pull the real me back to the surface. With a sickeningly twisted smile coating my features, I went on, trying to pull him further into my cloud of madness, "You're so pathetic Shizuo, when did you even start taking orders from Shinra in the first place? The strongest man in Ikebukuro being reduced to a watch dog for a nerdy doctor? Ha! It's laughable!"His anger was rising, the beast in him longing to be set free. Knowing he was about to snap I licked my lips in anticipation, "Come kill me, Shi-zu-chaaan~"

Reaching into my pocket, I prepared to ready my switchblade as my primary form of defense, only to feel my breathing hitch in my throat when I remembered I wouldn't find it there. I had become so enthralled with the undoing of Shizuo Heiwajima that I had forgotten why he was even here in the first place. Shit! I mentally cursed my toying nature, knowing I was going to get exactly what I asked for. With no defensive measures, I could only hold my hands out in panic as he lunged forward, ready to do his worst. 

When we met with a thud, I found myself pinned to my mattress, his firm hand wrapped around my throat, ready to snap it at any minute. The thought of being so totally and utterly defenseless before him both excited me and terrified me all at once. I wanted him to snap me like a twig, validating his existence as nothing more than a cruel monster, but also ending this mental suffering that plagued me so. Though on the other side of the same coin, I could almost feel my blood pressure rising as I was not quite used to being so defenseless; It was not like me to be at the mercy of my opponent, yet here I laid, waiting, wanting him to physically punish me for my sins.

Tightening his grip on my windpipe, I winced, hissing out a constricted breath of air. "Listen to me Flea," He started, voice so full of emotion I could practically feel it radiating off of him, "I don't know what fucking bit you in the ass this morning, but if you haven't already realized, I'm getting real sick of your fucking attitude," Pausing, I could see the strain in his face, the sheer self control that he was trying to exhibit so plainly written all over him. I scowled, wondering why my neck was still even in tact. The sheer sight of me had caused him to snap so many cigarettes in half I was sure he'd never even smoked a full stick, and yet I verbally break him down, humiliating him, and he leaves my throat only slightly constrained? H e was too damn unpredictable! I hated his nature, I hated that he strayed from the knowledge I'd kept locked tight inside of my brain full of human decision making; I hated this beast!

"You can play with my head all you want with your silly little mind games, but I am smarter than you think. You and I both know that this is all just a silly little ploy because you can't accept that you're lonely and you've fucked up and shown us all how absolutely pathetic you've become," His words stung me, catapulting me into a wave of acid, "Now you're looking for any escape route, whether it be suicide or murder, just so you can get out of this without any explanation, and I think that's fucked up! Now why don't you man up and just talk to me for once! You really piss me off!"

I scoffed, sobs staying hidden in my chest, masked by the false indifference I had plastered onto my face. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'd appreciate if you moved your disgusting barbaric body onto someone who cared to hear your petty insinuations," 

Letting out a low growl, Shizuo removed his hand from my neck, grabbing a handful of my sweater instead, pulling me so close our foreheads were practically pressed together. To say I could vomit at my proximity to him would be an understatement. "Playing dumb isn't going to change a thing Izaya," He closed in on whatever personal space I had left, leaving his gaze to be trained on nothing but me. An uncomfortable shudder shot up my spine, this situation being hardly ideal. He was too close, causing my stomach to twist and my resolve to waver. This was my undoing.

I could feel his hot breath on my face, my heart beat soaring into dangerous territory. How could I keep up with my lies when his face was so close to mine? In no way was this an 'exciting' situation to me, disgusting creatures like him didn't pique my interest in the slightest, yet my body disobeyed me, making me melt in proximity of the brute. He had a comfortable heat that cascaded off his skin, wrapping me in a blanket of calming calidity. The malady of vertigo that had been disabling me all morning was finally being tamed, dare I say thanks to the closeness the beast kept my body static in, but that fact would remain tucked in the very corner of my head, some day following me to the grave.

Before my thoughts could go even further into the gutter, I tried focusing on reality, and not the excuses my sick brain was trying to convince me were truth. Though sadly, this proved to be a useless task, as the moment my eyes met Shizuo's my resolve slipped into nothingness. Tears escaped from where I held them deep within, finally showing him how I really felt. I was mortified, horrified he was seeing me come undone like this, but as my misery slipped down my heated cheeks, I felt the lonely pang in my chest grow weaker. 

About to shove him off in fear of losing myself completely, I was met with a pair of warm lips on mine, making my body practically liquefy in his grasp. Every neon warning sign that blared in my head told me to turn back, that this act was revolting and wrong, but the contrast of both ruggedness and compassion in his actions had me entangling my fingers in his unruly blond locks, lazily moving my lips against his. I hadn't been kissed in years, swearing it off after my last stint of using a secret someone for my own selfish pleasure. The feeling that it sent through my needy body had me almost taking it further than it should've, finally coming to my senses when I was slapped by the realization of my actions. 

"Get out," I growled, disposition changing with the flick of a switch. My face burned, probably the color of a beet by now, I longed to be alone. 

Watching his eyes widen in abashment, he was off of me with inhuman speed, mimicking the actions of a fly getting zapped by a bug zapper. Not even bothering to grab his clothes, he was out of my apartment faster than a bat out of hell. I wanted to laugh the whole incident off, knowing that I harbored no feelings toward him other than resentment, but I found myself curling into a ball, withdrawing into myself. What the fuck did we just do?

Touching my fingers to my lips, the ghost of his mouth still lingered there, almost disgustingly too familiar for my recollection. Opening the flood gates, I let my tears escape, holding nothing back this time.

Did I really just let Shizuo Heiwajima kiss me?


	5. Pessimistic Pillow Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! For this chapter, I'd heavily push you guys to listen to the song I dedicated to it! I actually got the idea straight from the lyrics of this song, so it really ties in with the overall feeling :) Enjoy!  
> Song:  
> [Nothing, Nowhere - REM)
> 
> -Eveline

Three days. Three fucking days I had laid in that bed. The mattress I had once called home had become only a foreign amalgamation of springs and sheets. No matter what position I took, no matter how many times I tossed and turned, his smell lingered, smothering me with memories of his lips against mine. It had made me sick to my stomach on most occasions, leading me to retreat to the toilet until my stomach was empty.

How could I have let myself become like this? I had become a stagnant mass wrapped in cold sheets, left to replay events in my head to feed the loneliness growing inside of me. Too many emotions swirled through my brain, leaving me to question which were truly even mine. I wasn't too sure of anything anymore, to say the least.

Pulling the covers back over my icy shoulders, I longed to be told everything was okay. I was falling apart, crumbling from the inside out. Every single moral code I had lived by had become obsolete, as if my thought process was being rewritten. I had truly begun to believe the world was ripping apart at the seems. Everything was moving forward as I stayed left behind, rotting in the blackness of my bedroom.

My fingers ghosted over the buttons of my second phone, wondering if maybe one day I would actually dial something. I had considered calling Shinra at one point, almost doing exactly that, but I knew he could read me too well. We had too much history, making every deep conversation between us leave me feeling overexposed. He knew how to poke and prod deep beneath my surface, always digging up traumas and memories I'd rather have kept buried. It was sometimes just too painful to rely on him.

I had also considered Dotachin, knowing full well that he still considered me something above an acquaintance, but even he was not to be trusted. He knew I was a piece of shit; He had seen my flaws first hand, always lecturing me when another human had been broken by my deceptive ways. He was the reasonable person that I wished I could be right now, making my stomach churn even more in shame.

I could of course call Celty, if only just to be calmed by the fact she was listening to me, but how pathetic would I have been then? I would've just been using her to avoid facing the inevitable fact that in order to feel better, I'd have to call Shizuo.

Would it have made me a wretch to have begged for death at this point? I had plenty of enemies, surely one of them would've been enthusiastic about ending me, but I knew that it was wrong. That was just the part of me deep inside that ran away from all of my problems, even if that meant spending nearly 72 hours in what I had now deemed my deathbed.

My mind was in ruins. I couldn't even calculate a palpable route of escape. My responsibilities were looming over me, the buttons on my phone practically mocking my vulnerability.

Every single time I had closed my eyes or laid my head down to sleep, I saw his face. The gentleness in his actions, the care he displayed for someone as low as me, the feeling of my hands in his hair, our bodies pressed together- no. I couldn't . This wasn't me. I didn't feel things like 'love' or 'infatuation', those things were useless. I had lived all my life under the mantra that compassion got people killed, so why now was my brain a slave to it? Was it truly just the depression longing for someone to pull me from this self destructive trench, or was it something more? Something I considered much more sinister and deadly; A four letter word so foul I wouldn't even dare mutter it in my head in reference to Shizuo.

A knock against my front door forcibly sucked my mind from the tortuous spiral it was headed in. Three days and finally, at the peak of my destruction, someone decided to show up? Laughable.

Almost robotically, I threw the sheets off of my numb body, heading down to see who would possibly be visiting me. Paranoia not even part of my human function anymore, I opened my door without a second thought, deciding even before I reached the doorway that I didn't care about my fate anymore. No apprehension had coursed through my veins until my crimson eyes met with a pair of worried amber ones. The tall brute stood on the other side of the threshold, staring down at me with those solicitous orbs, making my skin crawl with repulsion. Would he use his monstrous strength to crush me, like I had wished so many times these last couple days, or would he reach out and touch my face gently, assuring me that I was indeed awake and alive?

Grabbing my wrist, earning a pained wince on my end, he dragged me into his arms, obviously not caring who saw as we stood out in the full view of anyone who decided to walk by. His heart was erratic, meaning he was just as nervous as I was. I wasn't even intimidated about the possibility he harbored ill intent, I was scared about the exact opposite. Had he been sulking in bed as well? Had he wondered about his feelings, crippled in fear that our hate was nothing but a cheap trick our heads had played on us all these years?

Placing a bit of distance between us, he held my wrists up to his lips, giving them a small peck , sending a wave of fire through my veins. With the puppy eyes he wore so well, he finally spoke, "Why are you doing this to yourself Izaya?" Rolling up my sleeves even further, he gazed at the multitude of cuts that littered every open space up to my elbows. His saddened reaction startled me further, especially as I knew that similar cuts cluttered my body in more than just that one place. "What makes you want to scar your body like this?"

Trying to put on the masquerade of a brave face, I smiled at him, hoping he would buy what my grin was selling him, "Oh don't you know? The Indians used to cut themselves to release bad spirits from their bodies. Blood letting was very popular in western tribes, I just thought I'd try it myself," I laughed curtly, "Everyone has demons they need to get out Shizu-chan,"

Throwing me over his shoulder in one swift movement, I found myself being carried to the futon in my living room. I wasn't myself at all, the proximity of our bodies was usually all it took to repulse me, now it was just a stubborn childish dislike in the back of my brain. I by no means loved this monster. No matter how much my head betrayed me, I wouldn't let my heart get stolen, never again.

Finally finding myself back on solid ground after having been lowered onto my futon, I tensed up, Shizuo leering over my small body. "Strip," He commanded, taking me aback. Both embarrassment and sheer confusion flooded my facial features, turning my cheeks a bright magenta. What the fuck?

Reacting in the only way I knew how, I conjured up a snide remark in my head, hoping it would cut through the tension his statement had breathed into the air. "Oho~, Shizu-chan, so direct," I fanned my face in feigned exasperation, "At least take me out to dinner first,"

Shizuo frowned in annoyance. 'Not in the mood for jokes I see' , I took mental note of his actions, trying to find a way to weasel my way out of the awkward silence I had incited, only being cut off by his harsh voice instead.

"That's not what I meant Flea," A tint of rose adorned his cheeks anyway, "I'm checking you for cuts. I'm calling Shinra and you're getting looked at. This isn't healthy, so cut the bullshit and strip," His expression had hardened, bordering on intimidating. Stepping closer to me, I shoved my hands roughly against his chest.

"Listen, I know you're hell bent on being some sort of fucking hero, but I'm really not interested," My words felt like bile in my throat, burning with lies and remorse all the same, "I'm fine the way I am. Do you really think if I'm willingly slitting my wrists I'll want to see a doctor? Sometimes it's truly painful to comprehend your stupidity,"

Grabbing my upper arm violently, he pulled me back towards the doorway. I wished deep down that he would make up his mind, wanting so much to just curl back under my sheets instead of being dragged back and forth through my living room.

He threw my door open and pushed me out into the hallway, blocking the path back into my fortress. "What the fuck are you doing you protozoan? Let me back in! Can't you just give up like everyone else? For fucks sake you're supposed to hate me, just leave me alone!" I couldn't believe how adolescent my voice had come out, almost as if I was a child throwing a temper tantrum, but I couldn't stand his incessantness anymore. I just wanted to wither away in peace, was that too much to ask?

"You have two choices Flea. Either I carry you kicking and screaming to Shinra's, or you strip and I call him over here to check you. No compromising, you choose or I choose for you," His voice held no warmth, the sternness provoking annoyance to buzz around my brain.

I narrowed my eyes into slits, "You wouldn't dare,"

Scoffing he moved closer to me, backing me against the wall across from my apartment. Hands pressed against the building above my head on either side, he loomed over me, making me feel small and insignificant. "Try me," he smirked, knowing he had won from the moment I'd answered my door. If it weren't for my disgustingly pitiful state, he'd be dead, throat slashed across the pavement of downtown Ikebukuro.

Shoving him out of my way, I gave in, trudging back into my apartment and throwing my shirt to the side. Unbuttoning my pants and shedding them as well left me feeling exposed and timid. My body was so frail in comparison to his. Though he was slim for his strength, he made up for it in height and muscle tone, whereas I was just skin clinging to bone at this point. Don't get me wrong, I was strong, albeit not as strong as him, but I had carried my own against him in combat for years, so why didn't I have anything to show for it?

Sensing my blatant discomfort at his wandering eyes, he turned away, looking anywhere but at my insubstantial figure. I snaked behind my futon, sinking to the floor and drawing my knees to my chest, hoping he would leave me there to cower until Shinra's arrival. I didn't want him to see my body, I didn't even want it exposed to his back as he stood there talking back and forth with the four-eyed doctor. There was no pride inside of me anymore, no self confidence to get me through this. Even though I was once known to have been called a handsome man with a beautiful face throughout Ikebukuro, I knew it was just simple prattle, an effort not to get on my bad side. Surely they knew I had heard everything. Behind my back, almost as if the walls had ears, I heard their terrible remarks. I knew I was fragile looking, and I also knew I was unsavory to the humans I loved so much, but it didn't hurt me then, as one-sided love and I were old friends. Now, though, their words filled my head to the brim, making me almost tear my hair out in agony.

I wanted this to be over. I wanted to be back in my bed, slicing my wrists, watching the crimson pellets trickle in strides down my arms. Almost sensing my suicidal intent like the beast he was, he sat himself on the futon, back still turned away from my pale figure in regards to my almost nudity. "Shinra said he'd be here in about twenty minutes Flea. I'm sorry that it might seem like I'm the bad guy, but if everyone treated you like a spoiled child all the time, I think you'd go insane," He let out a broken laugh, making the agony in my head only intensify, "I guess that's where I always come in, huh? I guess in a really sick way, I'm the conflict that keeps you sane,"

His words holding a weight he hadn't even realized was there, I almost couldn't bear the sobs growing in my chest. Sliding my hands into my hair and grabbing chunks of it with my fists, I bit my lip, fighting the tears with all my might. I hated what this man could do to me, and I hated how easily he seemed to do it. All these years I was sure I was the one provoking him, but in actuality, was he really the one provoking me? Like the pieces on a chess board, were we really useless without each other? Would we truly go insane without the other to balance the sanity we held deep inside?

I pulled at the handfuls of hair in my grasp, the torture in my head almost becoming too great to handle. Feeling Shizuo shift on the futon behind me, I soon felt a hand entangle itself within my raven locks, coaxing my own hands back down to my sides. He worked through the newfound tangles in my thin hair, ghosting his fingers gently across my scalp every so often, making my stomach flip in fear. He was weakening the flood gates, almost as if he was persuading my tears to escape. I couldn't handle the emotions welling up inside of me, it was all just too much.

I felt truly pitiful, wrapping my arms around my pallid body to hide my shame. Lowering my head into my lap, I pressed my eyelids against my knees, hoping that the funny colors that blurred my vision would be enough to stall the tears that threatened to burst forth.

"It's okay Izaya, you can cry. I'm not going to judge you. Just because you think I'm a dumb asshole doesn't mean I really am one," Shizuo cooed, his voice too soft to bring me any form of comfort, "As much as you believe I'm your enemy, I'm not. Let me help you,"

The first sob bubbled to the surface, escaping my throat with vigor, "Go away," I choked, trying my hardest to keep the rest at bay. 'One, two, three, one, two, three, cracks in the ceiling Izaya, you can do this' I tried to convince myself, only failing as Shizuo spoke again.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not until you're alright. Three days ago I made up my mind when I-" He paused, knowing how wrong the word was to describe an action shared between us of all people, "-when I did that thing to you. I told myself I was going to pull you out of whatever fucking hole you'd dug yourself into," Softly stroking my head, like a parent lulling a child to sleep, he spoke once more, his words making me almost vomit.

"Trust me, and let me care for you until you're better, alright Izaya?"

Not being able to quell the tears any longer, they leaked down my face, followed by uncontrollable sobs that shook my body down to its very core. I couldn't even remember the last time I had cried with this ferocity, if I had ever even done so in the first place. Once I had started I couldn't stop, the anguish taking over completely.

The world was a blur to me, due to both the influx of tears and the applied pressure I had just removed from my eyes. Though lacking in sight, I slinked my hand into my hair, looking for the warm grip that I knew was there waiting for me. Grabbing desperately, I laced my fingers between his reluctantly, promising myself that this was a one time action purely out of desperation. He was convenient, he was here, and he was willing. He was just a tool. A tool for my use.

Trying frantically to convince myself I was still Izaya, I felt a pair of warm fingers curl against mine, leaving my lungs breathless and my head and my heart inconsolable. Shizuo Heiwajima was changing me and even though I couldn't stand feeling my chemistry being rewritten, I found myself squeezing his hand tighter and tighter, mentally screaming for him to take all of my pain away.

Frightfully, full of foreign emotions and overwhelming sadness, I had begun to realize that maybe Shizuo wasn't a protozoan after all. As quickly as that thought had popped into my head, it had been shooed out again, my stubbornness fighting me. I was trying my hardest not to unlock the padlock that guarded my heart, but as his fingers stay laced around mine with the true intent to heal me, I felt the lock waver, slowing being picked by the monster himself.


	6. Incoherent Adolescence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly darker chapter, so I'll warn you there are suicide triggers ahead!  
> Song:  
> [Tokyo Ghoul OST - Glassy Sky]
> 
> Enjoy!  
> -Eveline

Shizuo leaned against the door-frame, pulling a fresh cigarette from his pocket. As much as criticizing him had become second nature to me, I couldn't blame him, as every now and then I found myself taking a calming drag of nicotine as well. I by no means was a smoker, being the health nut I am, but even vices can sometimes have their virtues. Though I could elaborate more on the subject, I wouldn't, fearful that bringing up more of my past mistakes would be digging my hole much deeper than it already was. 

I was sat on the edge of my futon, obediently allowing Shinra to attend to my wounds. He had allowed me to slip back into my shirt after thoroughly disinfecting each wound that lay between my neck and waist. For now, he was attending to the various gashes that sat in groups down both of my legs. His touch was warm and familiar, like the smell of a childhood candle or meal, making the euphoria of it all penetrate my damaged skin like nails. 

"You really did yourself in this time huh?" Shinra sighed, bandaging my upper thigh. I couldn't tell what stung more; His words or the antibacterials seeping into my wounds. "I thought you'd said you were done acting like a spoiled child,"

Averting my eyes, I huffed, remembering exactly the moment I'd said that. Stupid stupid. When would I learn? I did these irresponsible impulsive things, forgetting that I wouldn't be the only one to remember them. I hadn't realized how much they would bite me in the ass in the future. "Yeah, well, words are cheap," I muttered, knowing how self deprecating my sentence had been.

Shinra moved down to the cuts on my ankle, gently blotting them with his sterile cotton balls. Wincing, I tried to pull my leg back onto the couch, failing only when his firm grip coaxed me back into place. I hated being treated like a child, and I especially hated the condescending eyes he gave me as he played with his medical supplies. With the goofy smile he wore on his face all the time, how was I suddenly the child? 

"You're doing it again Izaya," He giggled, "Acting like a child. If you're going to pout with such a look on your face, I'm never going to treat you any older than the you I'd met 12 years ago," I scoffed, angry that after all this time he could still read me like a book. It was annoying, earning him another look of disdain from me. 

"Just leave it alone. What's the point in small talk? You're only here to patch up my pathetic wounds, so just do it and leave," I shot back at him, only half meaning the harshness that stuck to my statement, "I don't like you here. I didn't call you, so don't try and act like everything is all fine and dandy. Stop pretending to care about anything that isn't Celty," My own words surprised me, not at all meaning to blurt them out. Shinra's eyes widened for a second, taken aback by confession. 

"So that's what this is about? You're still bitter over the inevitable huh? That's low even for you Izaya," He laughed, the sound reverberating through the room with no warmth, "I'd told you my terms when it all started. For you to hold a grudge against terms and conditions you'd agreed to is unfair, don't you think?"

Eavesdropping and sensing there was a hint of secrecy in our conversation, Shizuo butted in, taking a spot next to me on the couch and eying Shinra, who was sat on the floor. "What're you two going on about?" He questioned, looking between us suspiciously. Shinra and I shared a knowing look, wondering if Shizuo could even comprehend the words that were stuck in my throat; The truth.

Swallowing hard, I opened my mouth timidly, already feeling the knowing pang in my chest that personified the heartbreak that my former 16 year old self had endured. "Well," I started, mentally preparing myself for the onslaught of explanation that was sure to come from this revelation, "In high-school, Shinra and I dated for a year,"

Shizuo's mouth dropped open, agape and confused, pointing a finger between the two of us, he sputtered, "You two? No fucking way. No way,"

Letting out a monotone laugh, Shinra waved his hands in the air, "No no, it wasn't like that Shizuo. Izaya and I were never star-crossed lovers like the ones you may read about in the mangas. We were just convenient for each other," Shinra's words wounded the part of me I kept hidden, but I played along anyway, slowly nodding my head, "We were horny teen boys, both interested in the experimental. I deemed it inevitable that Izaya would someday come up to me and propose our little deal," 

Shizuo was dumbfounded, looking between us like the idiot he was. Shinra continued, noticing the apprehension radiating from the blond, "But it wasn't like you think Shizuo. It was not romantic in the slightest," The statement dug into my chest, piercing my heart with pins and needles, making the back of my eyes burn as unresolved emotions came flooding to the surface, "It was platonic sex. That's all. Our arrangement was that and that only. No feelings, no dates, no gushy stuff, just a friendly fuck a couple times a week. He'd never even kissed me you know. Part of our deal was that neither of our lips were to touch any area above the chin, but of course that was because I'm saving myself for my dear Celty~" He cooed.

His nonchalant attitude had been wounding me far deeper than the scrapes he was here to disinfect. I'd known from the beginning it was platonic, I'd known all of this and yet I'd let myself slip anyway. I was Izaya, and as much as I kept saying that over and over, it was becoming further and further from the truth. So many of my actions were coming to contradict my set of internal beliefs, I couldn't even reason with the person I was, the great info broker slowly slipping from my grasp.

I felt a tear fall down my cheek despite my best efforts to keep my dejection hidden. I wiped my face, acting as if an eyelash had attacked my eye. Even if I knew this lie wouldn't hide a thing, it was better than nothing. Shinra looked over at me, he was smarter than Shizuo by a large gap, knowing instantaneously what had upset me so much. Sighing in defeat, he finished wrapping my ankle, gathering his supplies once again to take his leave.

"Truly Shizuo, there is more to the whole matter, but I'm not in the position to explain it all to you," Shizuo's eyebrow lifted in perplexity, questioning not only Shinra's words but his motives as well, "Change his bandages daily, and make sure they're all sterilized properly. None of his wounds are serious, mostly because he knows how to evade any major arteries, but since he's got quite a bit of them, he's at a higher risk of infection," He handed Shizuo some creams and bandages, only stopping right before he was out my door, "Oh, and one more thing Shizuo, don't get involved with him unless you intend to stick around,"

Shinra gazed at me, spectacled eyes hidden behind a wall of coldness, a wall that had been set in place so that nobody could understand what he was feeling. I wanted to reach out to him, groveling at his feet, begging him to tell me why, why it was I felt like this even after all this time. His mere presence made me suicidal, the remembrance of all that had happened to my idiotic adolescent self almost too much to bear as his emotionless chocolate eyes read me cover to cover. I wanted to open my mouth to say something, anything, but Shizuo had beaten me to it.

"What do you mean?" He asked, obviously confused by Shinra's words, just as I'd expect such a single-celled organism to be. 

Shinra smiled, a smile so riddled with past recollection it stunned me that it had showed itself on his face of all faces. "I mean exactly what I said Shizuo. Don't get involved with the life of Izaya Orihara unless you intend on staying. If you intend on hurting him, even a little bit, I'll make you regret it for the rest of your life. A line that I'll have you know was once used to avenge me by the broken man sitting right there," He motioned to me, knowing full well I had collected on that debt, making Nakura pay dearly for the scar he'd put on Shinra's fragile body.

Without another word out of either men, Shinra was gone, and I was left to inhabit the apartment with the blond monster once again. The silence was deadly, creating a heavy atmosphere as Shizuo took in all the words that hung in the air. I wouldn't have even blamed him if he were to short circuit. A protozoan had no hope in understanding all the conflicting details that had been shared. Not even I could comprehend them, even after nearly 8 years.

Finally feeling the true weight of all the emotional toil that had ravaged my body this afternoon, I laid my head to the side, hoping finally to get some decent sleep, knowing I couldn't possibly get much weaker. I felt my brain start to cool down, and before I knew it I had been cast away to dreamland, the only place where I'd wished I wouldn't have to deal with my problems.

Though I had hoped I'd find a utopia, I'd been sorely mistaken.

I'd found myself wandering through a desolate elementary school hallway. The familiar sting of babies crying battered my ear drums, making a wave of emotions crash over me. A small inky haired boy ran from one room to another as the sound of a telephone broke through the children's cries. 

I approached the room as the boy sat on his sanguine colored bedsheets, phone pressed to his ear with great importance. His small hands had gripped the phone so tightly his knuckles had turned white, his small body shaking. He exchanged small talk back and forth with the muddled feminine voice on the other line, before he blurted out a line all too commonplace for me to forget.

"Are you coming back soon?" He asked, body erupting in sobs when he was rejected the affirmation he'd so hoped for, "Why can't you come back?" His voice was drowning in emotion and begging for any semblance of love, aggravating the cold woman on the other line, "Did you ever even love me?" Sobs filled the room, his crying mixing with the ones coming from the infants next door. 

My heart hurt and my head spun. The boy hung the phone up, not even taking time to listen to the male voice that disciplined him for making his poor dear mother angry. He wasted no time in attending to the twin infants that wailed and screamed from their shared crib. They were identical, the only tell-tale differentiator being the onesies that he had carefully placed them into. The slightly chubbier girl wore one painted a dark emerald green, patterned with yellow cats, while the other girl wore a similar one which was washed in a sunshine yellow, littered with dark green dogs. I knew without a second look who the girls were, especially as the boy rocked them back and forth, promising them that he would protect them from the heartless woman who had abandoned them. He planted a kiss on each girl's forehead, muttering a oath of eternal love, even if he had hid it from them as they grew older.

The pain was starting to permeate even the thickest of my skin, drawing out all the hurt and sadness that had been locked away for those 14 years. Why was I dreaming about this moment? Why would I want to see this, the moment I'd hid my heart away the first time? 

Backing away, I bolted for the doors at the end of the decrepit hallway, soon finding myself upon another scene I didn't care to see.

Tears spilled from the teen's face, the absolute weakness in his voice surprising him more and more every time he cried out, "How could you say that? You were the only person that understood the me that I had hidden beneath this false exterior, you were the only one that could read exactly what I was feeling! You'd made me feel at home, you'd taught me what it was like to have someone at my side, even if you were fucking annoying! Now I confess my love to you and that's all you can say?!" He fell to his knees, sickened by the coldness in the older boy's eyes.

"How, you ask? Simple. I told you when you'd started this sexually instigated charade that my heart was spoken for. I had told you I would never love you or feel any other feelings toward you beside intrigue at your skewed way of thinking, I was never in this to win your heart," His matter-of-fact way of speaking had been like nails on a chalkboard to the boy, sending him spiraling into a pit of despair. To drive the knife further into the his heart and soul, the older one added, "I don't love you and I never will, so please stop acting pathetic and show me the you I already know. I won't sleep with you anymore, this experiment is over, and just like I'd thought, you're much more human than you let on,"

Loveless words, just like the man and woman on the phone had relayed so often, had me emulating the teen boy, tears coating my cheeks, sorrow nauseating my stomach. They were too similar; The way the cold boy spoke with no remorse, leaving his younger lover a heap of agony on the club room floor. I couldn't take it anymore, knowing this scene all too well had my heart begging me to stop this torture, to just wake up already, but I couldn't, as more doors ahead awaited me. 

Opening the double doors on the other side of the classroom I'd wished never to see again, I found myself falling face first down onto a cold wooden floor. The maple finished hardwood smelled like the lemon polish I'd known so well, instantly triggering a reaction from deep inside. I bolted upright knowing what scene I had found myself a witness to, the lemon all too asphyxiating and familiar. 

Before me hung a boy, noose snug tightly around his throat as his sliced wrists dripped down onto the hardwood, a stain he'd later work weeks to remove. The chair to his writing desk lay already on it's side as he hung there, not even begging for breath. His body was tense, fighting the urge to panic for air, he had given up and he wouldn't succumb to his human nature anymore. A suffocating smirk dance across his features as the black holes in his vision began to form. The boy's room was becoming a haze, almost as if it had only been a mirage in the first place. If not for the panicked 6 year old twins' haste to drag an adult in to cut him loose, he would've made it to the afterlife he'd heard so much about. 

The nausea inside me grew as I stood frozen in place as everything unfolded around me. The raven haired boy lay there, pale as a sheet as his traitorous former lover barreled into the room, getting to work on his wounds immediately. The older boy worked frantically, his face only cracking a smile once the boy had regained full consciousness. He pushed his glasses up on his nose, inadvertently smearing his face with the crimson from his patient's wrists. Letting out a pained laugh, he remarked, "You really did yourself in this time huh?" The familiarity of the words inciting a new wave of agony to ravage my brain, "I thought you were done acting like a spoiled child," 

Coughing, he shoot a glare towards his savior, " I am done acting like a spoiled child. You'll never see this face of mine again, you four-eyed chicken," He choked out, thinking his resolve was strong enough to keep that promise; Who knew he'd have been so wrong come adulthood?

His heart had closed once again, a padlock with multiple keys guarding the sensitive organ, finalizing the determination in his soul to never let a thing so useless as love weaken him ever again. 

Picking up the pieces of my shattered psyche, I'd moved to the final room, which lay behind a door painted the most vibrant shade of red. As I stepped through, I found myself in total darkness, only illuminating once the door behind me had shut completely. I stood on the roof of my apartment complex, instantly finding myself almost impaled by a switchblade so known to me I could instantly tell what lay before my eyes. As I shifted my focus back towards the scene I'd been faced with, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. 

The blond ran with his full speed towards the roof's edge, already making up his mind to jump after the brunette that soared downwards toward the pavement. A memory that made me sick indeed, I swallowed down the bile that coated my throat. Before the tall figure could sail off of the building, I reached out to him, a primal instinct inside me not being able to let him jump to what would sure be his death.

Screaming as loud as I could, I called his name, reaching desperately for the collar of his shirt. I blinked the tears out of my eyes, finding myself soaring off my futon onto the cold hard floor of my living room instead of off my building after the blond who was always just out of my reach. My body ached, the pounding in my head unforgiving. 

"What the fuck Izaya?! Are you okay? What the hell just happened?!" Shizuo sputtered, dashing to my side to make sure I was unharmed. I couldn't speak, the nightmare had gashed open wounds I had stitched tightly closed ages ago, leaving me mute in pure unadulterated stock.

I couldn't calm my head down, their faces making me sick and dizzy, the memories barraging me with pain I couldn't comprehend. I wasn't used to facing my problems head on, the despair it filled me with was enough explanation as to why I'd run from these painful reminders all these years. Grabbing at Shizuo, I pulled myself into his arms, searching for refuge from the storm inside my head.

Shaking like a leaf in this mental hurricane, I strengthened my grip around his waist, searching for the warmth that nobody had ever given me. Surprised when he took me into his arms, situating me atop the very waist I was just grasping onto for dear life. His strong arms held me securely against him, amazingly not crushing me with his monstrous tendencies. The heat that surrounded me, blanketing me in an ocean of Shizuo, made me feel like a ton of bricks had been pushed from my shoulders. Finally able to get a deep breath in, I lifted my head to meet Shizuo's anxious honeycomb eyes. I wanted to thank him, despite my head screaming for me to ditch him and run as fast and as far as I could from here, but an extra surge of warmth stopped me, as his soft lips met mine.

Soaking in the warmth he sent pooling into my stomach, I melded into him, moving my lips frantically against his, greedy to take in all of the heat I could. Hands tangled in his hair, legs wrapped around his waist, I cursed myself, wondering how I would ever possibly be cured of the affliction that was Shizuo Heiwajima.


	7. Thorns In My Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a total perfectionist, so sorry this chapter took a bit longer than expected!  
> The song I picked today I have officially dubbed my song of Shizaya, because it just fits them so darn well! Check it out if you can :)  
> [Frou Frou - Close up]
> 
> Enjoy!  
> -Eveline

I was losing myself, my resolve becoming weaker and weaker by the second. My mind was going in circles, asking 'Should I just enjoy it?' or 'Do I run as far as I can from him?'. His hot lips sent shivers down my body, involuntary moans escaping my throat as he worked his way down my neck, only stopping at my collarbone to suck on the sensitive skin. I could feel the heat pooling down from my stomach to my more private areas, making me want this touch so much more.

The sexual energy that surrounded us was intoxicating, buzzing my senses just as a few too many shots could on a good occasion. Pushing me backwards, he had our roles reversed, his hot breath ghosting over my flushed face as I lay pinned to the floor. Something had felt eerily wrong and nauseating about the entire situation, and I was sure it wasn't just the fact that it was him doing this to me. Something was missing, something I just couldn't put my finger on.

He slid his hands up my bare back, making me arch at the sudden skin to skin contact. His warmth was unwavering, as if he was the human personification of a fireplace in a comfortable log cabin, only exuding the most pleasurable feelings. I bit my lip trying to stifle the affirmative sounds that kept leaking through my lips. I couldn't possibly let him know how much he'd affected me, I wouldn't give that monster the satisfaction.

Pulling my shirt up to expose my bandaged chest, he took my only exposed nipple into his mouth, nipping and sucking until he had me desperately clawing at him in pleasure. My boxers had become unbearably tight, the prospect of becoming nude ever more enticing. 

Shizuo had started to shift our positions, squeezing my wrists a little tighter, sending an anxious shiver running down my spine. What was I missing? There was something just barely out of my reach, a memory perhaps, that I couldn't grasp. What was going on?

Still licking and sucking sensitive spots on my torso, I wriggled in his grip, silently begging him to set me free. The anxiety in me grew, and almost like a slap to the face, the recollection hit me.

"S-Shiki!" I had choked out on that very day, "Stop it!" His cold hands felt disgusting on my terrified body. Humiliation burned in my veins as he gave me a once over, as if he was the predator and I, the prey. 

"Oh Orihara," He had cooed to me, no kindness hidden in his tone at all, "You do want to work for me, don't you?" I had no choice but to nod, knowing that as just a measly 18 year old, I couldn't fight back against the yakuza, especially not Shiki Haruya. With a sadistic smile on his face, he'd taken the rest of my garments off, leaving me silently sobbing pitifully on the cold warehouse floor. "If you're really as tough as you say you are, shut and and enjoy yourself," He laughed, his venomous words piercing my ears, traumatizing me as he positioned himself at my entrance, ready to have his way whether I'd liked it or not.

Not even present in the moment anymore, I was forcefully pulled out of my morbid mental sideshow with a loud gasp as Shizuo gripped my throbbing erection. Before he could place his warm mouth on me, I reached forward, grabbing a handful of his hair and holding him in place, knowing that if this went any further I would surely vomit. I could still feel that man's cold hands all over me, no wonder I had suppressed that memory so deep within me. I hadn't had sex in all these years, 6 of them to be exact, thanks to the trauma left by Shiki Haruya and his soulless abuse. 

Shizuo stared up at me, eyes half lidded in total nirvana like the virgin I'd known he was. He'd only been kissed by me and his face already glowed a millennium pink, consuming all his features in an erotic sheen. If I hadn't been so headstrong and borderline traumatized, I'd probably have went all the way with Shizuo, only to regret it the morning after. 

"What's wrong? Don't you want to?" Shizuo asked, wounded that his advances had been denied by the person he'd already chosen to be his first. I felt my heart clench, hurting me just as much as it hurt him. I stared into those golden marbles of sadness as he tried to calculate where he had gone wrong, making the guilt in my stomach nauseate me further.

What would I even say to him? 'Hi, yeah, your once sworn mortal enemy who you'd been tricked to perceive had no weakness, actually has had breakdowns one after the other this afternoon hahaha please don't suck my dick'? Yeah right. Not only was it making my head spin that the Nightmare that had gotten us here in the first place was replaying in my brain like a cheap commercial jingle, but now I had my fear of intimacy piled onto it, all because the piece of shit I worked for had decided to rape me after high-school graduation. Fun times Izaya, kill yourself.

The proposition had sounded too tempting for me to even joke about. Even if this protozoan was dead set on his heroic mission to heal the Flea, he wasn't aware that this head had harbored more baggage than Narita Airport itself. I was a broken shell of a man, worn down by years and years of trying to suppress the things deep inside that made me feel dirty and worthless. He was foolish to think he could fix me. 

Pulling away from him, I bolted to my room, pulling my boxers back over my groin and leaning my back against the door. I slid down to the floor and rested my head in my hands, feeling utterly pathetic. There I went again, running from my problems, finding another carry-on to add to the piles and piles of baggage that had already rested on my tired shoulders.

Knocking on the door, his voice carried over through the wood, much more soothing than I had originally imagined it to be, "I'm sorry Izaya," He solemnly whimpered, "I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have made you feel uncomfortable like that. I'm so fucking sorry," The shock that had registered on my face was only visible to me, as I stared at my pathetic reflection in the mirror that sat across from me. 

"I'm sorry I forced all of that on you," He continued, "I don't know what you've been through or what things are going through your fuckin' mind, but I'm really sorry. It was so impulsive, I just, lost my mind while you slept, thinking about all that bullshit between you and Shinra," My eyebrow raised, suddenly intrigued by his confession.

I turned sideways, pressing my ear against the door, "Go on," I muttered, "Why would that bother you, ne? It was years ago, and like Shinra said it was just fucking," The words came out shaky and breathless, crumbling my attempt at acting indifferent.

Shizuo growled, animalistic and low, "Oh yeah sure Izaya, play it off like you've been doing. Do you really think I'm so stupid that I can't see that just him sitting in the room with you rips you to shreds?" His words cut deep, surprisingly wounding me far beneath my surface, "I know he probably squashed your heart in favor of Celty, and I know he probably just left you laying there crying your eyes out while he went home to her, and that shit pisses me off dammit!" 

My heart nearly stopped, horrified that Shizuo had read me that well, getting even the most insignificant details correct. Just like they had done so much recently, more tears coated my cheeks, making this scene much more pitiful to me. Not done yet, Shizuo kept speaking, voice low and annoyed.

"Just thinking about that stupid damn nerd having the audacity to fuck you and then leave you like a broken toy, makes me mad! Thinking that he could touch you all those times, making you feel like you actually belonged to him, only to rip the carpet from beneath your feet, I could kill him!" I could practically hear him clench his fists, poised and ready to do maximum damage to the streets of Ikebukuro, "And I-I can't help but be jealous that he could just so easily touch you in that way,"

My ears perked up, not even sure that they had even heard him correctly. Shizuo, jealous? Those two words shouldn't have gone together, the thought of him being envious of Shinra, who broke me so beyond repair, made me angry. Was he upset that Shinra was able to break down my walls so easily? Did Shizuo long to rip my heart in half as well, the thought of that nerd beating him to it rousing his anger? I huffed through my nose, head buzzing with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

Awaiting a response and never getting one, I heard Shizuo shifting uncomfortably in the other room, too anxious to speak. "You're right," I disclosed, swallowing my pride for the sake of this beast's feelings, "I fell in love with him, and he threw me away like yesterday's trash, but that's not why I locked myself in here you dumb brute," The tone of my voice surprised me, as it lacked no bitterness towards the blond that silently sat against the other side of the door. The soft spot that began to grow in my heart for the protozoan was making me sick again, my head not at all ready to open up and trust another quite yet. 

Almost timidly, he asked, "Then what made you run away? Did I do something wrong?" His voice was soft, softer than I had ever heard come out of him before. If I didn't know that he was indeed Shizuo Heiwajima, the strongest man in Ikebukuro, I wouldn't have believe that he was the man sitting there. 

The words were stuck on the tip of my tongue. A terrible chill trembled through my body, cooling me so deep I could feel it in my bones. As much as I tried, not a syllable of the truth would pull itself forth from my aching body. I was left as a statue. 

Shizuo pushed the door open gently, leading my body to unconsciously shift out of the way, only for him to whisk me up off the floor and onto the bed behind me. Panic in my chest began to burn, as the unwarranted contact sent icy prickles throughout my body, reminding me of the grubby hands that had abused me once before. Though they were unsavory, sending anxiety to race through my veins, I found myself grabbing back for his arms as soon as they had left me.

We lay there, tangled in each other's warmth for what seemed like an eternity, until finally I could speak, "Shiki raped me," I blurted out without thinking, "This was after Shinra, I had just graduated high-school and he'd told me he'd taken a specific interest in me. I had originally thought my first assignment would be briefed at the warehouse he had taken me to, but instead I ended up naked and defiled by him while his men held me in place," The confession lay bitter on my tongue, each word of it that was expelled bringing my head tiny shreds of peace. Shizuo's grip around me strengthened, soon burying his face in my hair.

Warm liquid soaked my scalp, leaving me utterly confused until I heard the silenced sobs escaping Shizuo's throat. In a panic, I shifted around, pulling him to face me, "What's wrong with you? Why are you the one crying now?" I bit my lip, knowing my words had sounded harsh, "I mean, what's with you?" I had tried to sound less offensive, failing miserably, leading his grip to tighten again, pulling me into a bear hug.

He smelled like the rain, wet earth, and the cigarettes he'd smoked so often. I breathed him in completely, cataloging every detail of his scent to memory. All of him was so warm, his lips, his hold, his words, even his tears. I wouldn't be able to resist the nagging inside of my head much longer, his scent dulling my senses, making the anxiety melt off of me like ice in a summer drink. The bud that had once tried to grow in the pit of my stomach had flourished, donning pink and red Camellia blossoms, begging for more nutrients as his soft words sank into my skin. Against my own sheer willpower, I was lost to his charms.

His sobs broke me out of my trance, his body shaking like that of a dejected child, "I could kill him," he mumbled, voice breaking through his cries, "You deserve so much better. You should've told me! I would've hunted him down all those years ago and ripped him apart for touching you!" I flinched, almost expecting him to hit me, even if it were for no reason. 

I buried my face deeper in his vest, filling my head with all that he was, "You hated me remember?" I exclaimed, "There's nothing you would've done but throw some street sign at me, yelling for me to stay out of Ikebukuro or some shit. Idiot," 

Yanking me from my place buried in his chest, he forced my eyes to meet his once again. His honey filled irises were coated in agony, the guilt in his chest reaching maximum capacity, "Izaya," He whimpered my name gently, blood rushing to my face in defense of the sorrowful sound, "Let me stay here. Let me right all of my wrongs, I want to fix all of the mistakes I've made with you," His voice became low and serious, lips dripping with sincerity, "Let me show you what it's like to be truly loved for once,"

My heart could've stalled behind my ribcage, his words taking all of the air out of my lungs like a kick to the chest. Love? Izaya Orihara didn't do love. Not after Kyouko and Shirou, and especially not after Shinra. Knowing how far we had almost gone on pure instinct in my living room only a handful of minutes before, my skin crawled. It had only been a mistake from the beginning, right? All it had done was bring my fear of intimacy back to the forefront, no thanks to Shiki Haruya himself. Did Shizuo really take that little stint of misplaced sexuality as a confession of love? My head was spinning in circles all over again, this whole damn arrangement coming back to bite me in the ass, as it only ever had.

Sensing my racing thoughts, Shizuo placed a chaste kiss atop my head, silencing the stereo that wouldn't quit in my psyche, "I'm not asking you to love me Izaya," He breathed, "I'm just asking you to give me a chance, that's all. I want to show you that you mean something to someone, that you belong here, alive, and with me," I wish I could've said I was shocked, but after all the compassion and eloquence I had picked up from Shizuo the last couple of days, I had been astounded enough for two lifetimes. 

Before agreeing to what very well could be the arrangement that kills me, I questioned his morals, averting my gaze, "How do I know you're not in this to hurt me, ne? This is a perfect opportunity to break me after finding out about my weaknesses. Seduce me into falling for you and then throw me in the trash, same old stupid fucking routine," I sighed, knowing how pathetic it all sounded out loud, but my irrational thoughts actually proved to be quite rational in reverence to this entire ludicrous situation, so how could I avoid them? "Just spare me the act, I'd rather not waste time out of my busy life playing house with yo-"

Silencing the malice that was sure to come out of my paranoid brain, Shizuo pressed his warm lips against mine, pulling me onto his lap just as I had been earlier. Pulling away too quickly, he had my brain and body begging for more, his mouth the only thing able to silence my obnoxious head from feeding me lies. "Would I kiss you like that if I wanted to hurt you? Would I take time to make sure you were okay if I just wanted to break you apart? Would I have jumped to my death if it meant saving you, if I truly wanted you dead Izaya?" 

The little boy deep inside of me that juggled a house phone with warn down buttons and a pain in his heart, cried out, scared of the attachment that came with trusting ourselves to another, but practically leeching onto the chance to be loved. She had never kissed our head, nor did she ever take the time out of her busy schedule to ask us if we were okay, I'd bet she'd even be the first to wish us farewell as we barreled towards the pavement. He wasn't like her, not at all. He was full of concern and tenderness, qualities that she had sorely lacked. Could he really be trusted?

I knew I'd regret it in time, but against my better judgment I wrapped my legs around him, attaching myself to him like the small child that inhabited the most broken parts of my brain, "Yeah, fine," I quietly breathed, hot breath against his neck, making him shiver, "Stay for as long as you want, but don't come crying to me when I inevitably break your heart," 

Feeling his infectious smile against the top of my head, I couldn't help but grip him tighter, not wanting this moment to end. Though the depression in my head had me crippled still, racing thoughts not dying so easily, I felt a spark of hope in my chest for the first time in weeks. Perhaps I wanted him to stay, and perhaps, maybe just a little bit, I wanted him to save me.


	8. The Bitterness In Romantics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm not dead haha, I'm trying to space my updates out a bit, because life is quite overwhelming ^~^"  
> But I hope you can enjoy! Sorry for any mistakes, as it is 5 am as I'm posting this.  
> Song is  
> [Eyeshine - Afterglow]
> 
> -Eveline

Hours upon hours, days even, I'd spent trying to figure out this beast, and all I'd been left with was a throbbing ache in my head like no other. Annoyance or just pure dehydration, I couldn't tell, but it was damn annoying. The drumming behind my eyes was leaving me twice as irate as usual, leaving a dejected feeling Shizuo to sulk outside my bedroom door. 

"Are you feeling any better yet Flea?" He called from the hallway, "I know you feel like shit and whatever, but maybe I could help? I don't like being this far away from you when you don't feel good," The sincerity in his voice was nauseating, but surprisingly only in the best way, filling my stomach with butterflies instead of outright sickness. I grunted, not even wanting to respond to him at all.

"And what does it matter to you, brute?" I bit back involuntarily. Old habits had become harder and harder to shake as time passed between us. I was on my guard, making sure he knew my heart was no toy for him to play with until he was bored. I hadn't meant to sound venomous, but the distrust I had for him was not so easily swayed, no matter the circumstance. Sighing, I knew I was only delaying the inevitable by stalling him and questioning his motives, "Come on then, idiot," I barked over at him, "If you want to be here so badly, get off your ass and move,"

Without a beat he had made his way into my blackened bedroom, the only light illuminating the depressing atmosphere being the sliver of light now shining in from the hallway. Though thinking on it a second, I could definitely dismiss that observation as untrue, as Shizuo himself was a bright light, perhaps even the brightness at the end of the dark tunnel I was crawling through. I smiled to myself, knowing he would never hear me say such a sentence, contented in the fact that I held such a secret in my heart. 

He was without a doubt one of the most unpredictable lifeforms on this planet, always exceeding my expectations and annoying me all the same. Much more interesting than any of my humans, I found myself studying him exclusively, wanting desperately to know what made him tick. 

I laid with my back to him, his warmth the only indication of him I could feel. He had no true physical contact with me, his free arm at his side, not at all where it belonged snaked around my waist. As much as I hated my dependency on him, I longed for the warmth that his embrace had always encompassed around me. I was falling faster than I had ever imagined possible, the rate of my heart becoming his was almost too much to bear. 

I frowned, the headache that wracked my brain not at all stopping the anxiety that had inhabited my head. After just a couple days, had he already deemed me repulsive? Is that why his comforting hands had refused to touch me? My skin burned, the tears building in my eyes as the thoughts of rejection took over.

Feeling my body shake with sobs, Shizuo forced me to face him. My cheeks were red with shame, my body trembling as his rough hands gripped my shoulders. "What's wrong? Did I do something Izaya?" He was just as panicked as I was, searching my wet eyes for the answer I knew he wasn't smart enough to find, "Tell me how to fix it. . . please?" 

Trying to avert my eyes was fruitless, as soon as my gaze wandered I found my cheek cupped by his warm gentle hands, bringing me back to meet his honeydew orbs. He was a blur, my tears coating the entirety of what remained of my vision, but though he was only a silhouette, I could still make out the agony plastered across his unknowing face.

He was so damn stupid. Falling for me like this in the first place, entangling himself in the death trap that was my life. What was he thinking? I was involved with the Awakusu, I had ties with drug rings and gamblers, and all sorts of other underground networks, how could he find any shred of affection for a bottom feeder like myself? As far as I had known, which was everything might I add, his record was clean, only stained with the crimes I had rubbed his name in. How was that forgivable? 

Trailing a line of kisses from my cheek down to my collar bone, I was pulled forcefully from my self destructive thoughts. Shizuo smiled against me, hearing my breath hitch as his lips became even more prevalent on my cold skin. I grabbed at his shoulders, digging my fingers into his shirt, trying to suppress the pleasure filled sounds that built in my throat as his tongue made it's way back up to my ear. 

"Are they gone now?" He whispered into my ear, sex practically dripping from his lips, "The bad thoughts. . can you think straight now?" I swallowed hard, nodding slowly as I found my head blank as a fresh canvas, ready for Shizuo to fill it with his art. "Good," He smiled, "Now, tell me how I can make today better for you,"

Staring at my digital clock, I cataloged the time. It was nearly 5 in the afternoon, whatever day he wanted to salvage was long gone. 

"It's already evening you protozoan, maybe tomorrow I'll feel better," I sighed, breathing still not back to normal after the arousal Shizuo had blanketed me in. This answer however did not satisfy him, leading me to end up pinned against the bed, the monster hovering over my frail body, a look of discontent on his face. "What?" I asked, "You should know by now that nothing but bitterness is sure to come from me. Looking so surprised at my coldness all the time makes you look like an idiot,"

Running his hands under my sweater and meeting bare skin, I gasped, his touch making me shiver despite the warmth of his fingertips. He looked down at me, making a face so full of adoration it made my skin crawl. Nobody had ever looked at me like that, the look shattering my soul and making our arrangement much more unbearable for me. I would just break his heart in the end, so why did I want to embrace him? Why had my heart begun to scream for him?

The guilt was eating me from the inside out. I wasn't fit to love another, as no one had ever dared to love me, so why was he so different? Why were his touches so different than Shinra's? What did one lack that the other had? Was the answer truly 'love'? 

His hands wandered upwards, soon lifting my shirt over my head. He stared down at me, making my face flush in embarrassment. Surely I was too skinny for him, I was just a bean sprout, a runt, nothing would ever be appealing about my appearance- 

"Fuck Izaya," He purred, "You're so damn beautiful. It makes me so fucking pissed that someone could leave such a sad look on such a gorgeous face," His words took me by utter surprise, stopping my self deprecating thoughts right in their tracks. 

How did he always seem to know when I was on the verge of self destructing? How did he know exactly the right words to say to me?

Shizuo lips met mine in a frenzy, searching for any amount of solace he could give me with his touch. I melted into him, throwing caution to the wind. My headache melted away between our lips, as if he was the medicine I had needed all along. I didn't know how to react when I was around him. He made all logical and rational thinking useless, surprising me with his thoughts and words every single time without fail. Perhaps thats why I clung to him so dearly, perhaps that's why all these years I found him over and over again, teasing him without fail. No matter how much it hurt to admit it, I needed this man, and I needed him much more than his virgin mind thought he needed me.

We became a tangle of limbs, finding ourselves rolling around my mattress in a passionate embrace. His fingertips danced up and down my sides, making me shudder in pleasure. I wanted him to stay here like this with me for all eternity, the sentimental part of my brain driving my body forward. I gripped him tightly, pulling him against me with all the force I could muster, hoping that he'd get the idea that he was mine now. Izaya Orihara owned him, and though that was a position I was sure many people would steer clear of, I was comforted in the fact that even if I spoke these words aloud he would just give me that pure sugar smile and agree. It was disgusting, but I loved it. (It, not him, I'd like to clarify).

"Don't move" I muttered against his lips, "Stay here forever," I hated how weak my words had made me feel, but feeling like a selfish prick was worse. I'd taken Shizuo's kind words day by day, adding snide remarks to them, but never did I ever return them. It had to stop. I had to curb my attitude, either become serious with Shizuo and his feelings, or I had to break this off, whatever it was.

Almost as if I had flipped a switch, his expression was sparked with pure love and lust, a look I had only ever given, not one I had ever received. Smiling, knowing that in the back of my head I'd surely regret this, I brought my lips to his ear, whispering in an enticing voice I hadn't used in years.

"You going to touch me or not Shi~zu~chan?"


	9. Making Love or Making Mistakes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are going to hate me for this teehee  
> Song:  
> [Nothing, Nowhere - Deadbeat Valentine]
> 
> Enjoy!  
> -Eveline

out of the arm of one love  
and into the arms of another  
I have been saved from dying on the cross  
by a lady who smokes pot  
writes songs and stories  
and is much kinder than the last,  
much much kinder,  
and the sex is just as good or better.  
it isn't pleasant to be put on the cross and left there,  
it is much more pleasant to forget a love which didn't  
work  
as all love  
finally  
doesn't work...  
it is much more pleasant to make love  
along the shore in Del Mar  
in room 42, and afterwards  
sitting up in bed  
drinking good wine, talking and touching  
smoking  
listening to the waves...

I have died too many times  
believing and waiting, waiting  
in a room  
staring at a cracked ceiling  
waiting for the phone, a letter, a knock, a sound...  
going wild inside  
while she danced with strangers in nightclubs...  
out of the arms of one love  
and into the arms of another  
it's not pleasant to die on the cross,  
it is much more pleasant to hear your name whispered in  
the dark. 

Charles Bukowski knew it best; The harsh sting of losing a love, the hollow feeling it left inside as you feel every ounce of happiness in you fade away, dying with the rest of you. His words personified what I felt right now better than even I could. Even though Shizuo's strong arms wrapped around me, our naked bodies pressed together, I could feel nothing but the dull ache in my chest grow greater and greater until it was unbearable weight that I couldn't ignore any longer. 

Pushing Shizuo off of me, I let out the air I hadn't realized I'd been holding in my lungs, struggling to find new air as I did so. The tears had started falling before i could stop them, this entire situation just too taxing on my psyche. Why had I even tried to suggest sex? Was that just the way I'd conjured up to rid myself of these deep seated feelings for him? Did I really think a quick fuck would help me forget about him? I was an idiot.

I felt empty in every sense. I was cold and barren and I'd felt forgotten as soon as I'd been released from his grip. My head was turning into a hell I hadn't anticipated. Was I just truly that incurable? I couldn't take it anymore.

I glanced at my clock, cataloging the late time, yet racing around my room to clothe myself anyway. I needed pills, any kind would do, just something to make me high enough to take this feeling away. I was sick of being secluded, sick of dreaming of a day where things would feel right again. 

Shinra. How did he follow me through life so closely? He'd fucked up my life and yet he was the only one who could do something to make me feel less numb. It was the most disgusting irony I could think of. I wished I could be rid of him, rid of every single revolting thing he'd made me feel. He was just a waste of time, a fucking waste. In truth, I'd cared for Shizuo so much that it made me sick, but the doctor and the dullahan were always in the peripheral, making me feel sorry I was even alive in the first place.

Clothed and finally done lacing up my boots, I found myself being pinned to the wall. Shizuo's bare chest pressed against me, a sickening expression on his face. He cared to much for his own good. Why couldn't he see I was the worst thing for him? He was so unbearably stupid.

"Where do you think you're going Izaya?" He practically growled, "Is this just another one of your fucking tricks? Get me to fall in love with you and then walk out on me as if I'm nothing?" That damned word, there it was again, mocking me, taking my sanity. 

I pushed him away from me, "You don't even know what you're talking about," I hissed, trying to hide my delicate mental state behind closed doors, "You don't know what love is, monster, so don't carelessly use it to describe the arrangement you pushed on me," Trying to break him, I found that my heart was the one wavering, not his. I wanted to crash into his arms, begging him to make this loneliness go away, but I couldn't do this to myself. Not again.

He grabbed me once more, grip almost cutting my circulation entirely, "Don't you dare play cold with me now Izaya!" He screamed at me, every single syllable shattering what little a heart I had, "You're not allowed to pretend this never happened! No matter what you say I know you love me too, and I know you're fucking scared but just let me help you! For once think about someone who isn't you!"

His words stung me, leaving a raw burning in my chest. I released myself from his strong hold and slipped my jacket on, turning around only one more before leaving. Looking him in the eyes, I finally let the agony slip, coating my cheeks in the tears that just would not stop coming.

"Stop confusing yourself," I muttered, leaving him there just as much of a sobbing mess as I was.

I trudged down the stairs and onto the sidewalk with my hood up, hiding my sullen expression. It was raining, just as it always had every time I'd felt like jumping in front of a bus. Though he was the absolute last person I wanted to see right now, I found myself making my way towards Shinra's place, in need of some sort of medically induced coma or anything that would slightly dull the ache I felt in my broken heart. 

Soaked to the bone, I knew being out here in this weather was a mistake, but I was a man on a mission. If I gave up and found my way back to that blond monster after all that, I'd just be solidifying the point that he'd made. I did love him, but it was driving me to the point of insanity.

I'd walked what felt like hours, only to find that a mere twenty minutes had passed since leaving. I stood at the doctor's door, desperately ringing the doorbell, deciding that if he wasn't home, I'd just break in.

Whipping the door open in anger, his hardened brown eyes met mine, obviously looking as if he'd seen a ghost, since I was the last person he'd expected to see here. "What do you want Izaya?" He yelled, noticing my pathetic appearance, "Have you been crying? I hope you're not here to use me as a shoulder to cry on. You do know theres a difference between a psychologist and a physician don't you?" He laughed at me, mocking the mere fact I stood in his doorway, "You look like a drowned rat,"

I pushed past him, not even caring that I was trailing water all over the floor, "Pills, Shinra, just give me pills," I groaned, ready to feel the bliss of being high instead of the pain that crippled my chest.

He gave a shrewd laugh, grabbing my wrist and stopping me in my tracks, "Pills?" He questioned, "You really think there's some sort of medication that can cure something like love? Though it may seem like it, it's not a physical affliction Izaya, people aren't looking for a cure. If there were some cure for it, I would've force fed it to you years ago," He let himself laugh, a sick sound that tore through my head, making the hollowness in my chest grow tenfold. 

I removed his hand, staring into his cold unfeeling eyes, "I don't want to cure it asshole. I want you to fuck me up so bad I won't ever feel it again. Pump me full of pills, make me your lab rat, fuck, give me a lobotomy even, I don't care," I whimpered, "Just make it go away!"

His eyes for once had expanded in genuine surprise and curiosity as the full weight of my words sunk in. With a small sigh, he pressed his forehead against mine, the mere act making me jump. His hands were snug in his pockets, his warm head the only thing making contact with my body.

"Oh Izaya, you've got it bad don't you?" He breathed, hot breath sending me into a trance, "Shizuo's got a lot of work cut out for him if he intends to tame you. I'd say that I'd be surprised if he succeeded, but with the love that your heart harbors for him, I don't think it's impossible anymore. Make sure to give him my regards when you see him again, alright?"

I opened my mouth in protest, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs that I wasn't ever going to see the protozoan ever again, but before I could let any sound escape my lips, I found myself pricked in the ass by a trick I'd never even seen coming. I staggered backwards, pulling the needle from my skin, throwing it weakly at the weasel who'd stuck it in me.

The room was becoming hazy, my knees disobeying me and giving way, leading me to become a pathetic heap on the floor. My blurry brain was on fire, anger so raw it almost hurt. How dare he use my affections against me! How dare he sedate me like a patient in a psyche ward!

I reached forward looking for any escape, suddenly regretting my decision to come here entirely. I wanted out, wishing to be anywhere but here. Before I could completely pass out, I watched Shinra stand over me, dialing his phone like a good little doctor, as if I wasn't here suffering right in front of him. His voice was muffled by the medicine that flowed through my already tired veins, leading me to lay there and watch his lips mime words to an unknown being on the other line.

Closing my eyes, I gave in. Surely losing myself to sedation would be better than the hell my head had constructed. I'd just hoped by the time I came to that this terrible feeling deep inside of me would be gone, letting me continue to live my life again in ignorant bliss. Though as much as I'd wanted those to be my last thoughts, one last word shot through my brain as I slipped away, and that word was simply, Shizuo.


	10. Void of All Humanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Hope you enjoy!  
> Song:  
> [Linkin Park - Lying From You]

Silence. Absolute maddening silence. It was the only thing that greeted me on the other side, or at least, that's where I'd hoped I was. Who knows what lengths an infatuated scientist would go to, if only to eliminate his only hindrance. I wish I had cared, but I was past that. I could only feel indifference in relation to my current situation. Everything that was thrown at me, every bullshit card I was dealt was hurled at me for a reason. Simply put, this was karma. Izaya Orihara was finally getting what he deserved. 

I couldn't move, arms and legs feeling like heavy weights that dragged me down, but yet at the same time felt as if they were floating. Was this the afterlife? Or was this just my subconscious making a mockery of my atheistic beliefs? Nonetheless, wherever I was, I was content. If this was hell, so be it. Let me suffer in this gruesome silence, let my thoughts consume me, torturing me for all eternity. It was where I belonged.

Somewhere deep inside of me, I'd always known this was how I was going to end up. Dead at 24, floating in a conscious space of nothingness. It's all there was after all, there was no God, no golden gates, and especially no angels. Just a void, a place where wayward souls such as myself were left to contemplate our mistakes, wishing for a second death of the mind, so that the last semblance of our existence was peaceful. Too bad karma was a bitch and the idea of peace was a social construct. None of us would ever learn, humans were just too fickle.

"You're so dumb Izaya," he said, sitting next to me cross-legged. His small frame was surprising to see again, his features not at all twisted in agony anymore, but instead mocking me, as if I was the true child. His raven hair fell over his eyes, the crimson color almost gone behind the obsidian veil. He was ten years old, but the air around him was twice that, his intelligence almost a handicap on his function. He was too aware of the world, too aware of the evil and malicious nature of the humans he loved so much. Why did it have to be this way?

"Hey," he flicked my forehead, pulling me out of my thoughts. Glancing at him, he flicked me again, making me frown in annoyance, "I'm talking to you stupid. Do you plan on laying here forever?" I tried to shrug despite my heavy limbs. I didn't plan on anything if I was telling the truth. I had a moment of weakness, and in following the path to the easy way out, I wound up here. Turns out, asking an underground doctor for drugs just ends up being a pain in the ass, pun intended. 

"That's not an answer idiot. You really think everyone hates you so much, huh? You think you've got it so hard, but have you ever wondered how hard you're making it for everyone else?" His words stung me, completely shocking me that this was coming from the mind of an early adolescent. What would I care what how my actions affected those around me? Who had ever done the same for me? My own mother wouldn't dare waste time on the informalities, so how could I expect mere friends and acquaintances to do what she couldn't?

Knowing all too well what I thought deep inside, he furrowed his brows, giving me a pout only a child his age could pull off, "Do you believe he loves you Izaya?" I shook my head no, aware that nobody could love a creature so revolting, "Do you believe he hates you?" Another shake. After the kindness he had shown me over the last few days, hate would've been the opposite adjective to describe his actions.

Laughing at the indecisiveness that plagued my brain, he grabbed my hand, helping me to my feet finally, "Then you really need to figure out what you do think before you go back to him. Humans can only take so much until they break, I'm sure you know that better than I do," Balancing myself finally, I looked down at him, trying to take in his patronizing words. I didn't need to figure out a thing. I was a toxic substance, a poison for Shizuo's brain. I couldn't bear to wear him away with my dangerous being. He wasn't safe loving me, it could never work.

"You're wrong," He said, knowing my thoughts had found their way back to this familiar topic, "You think that you're bad for him? You really are a dummy. You already know you're trying to convince yourself of that just as much as you're trying to convince him, so why do you keep trying?" His words wounded me, nailing me to my proverbial cross, "We both know the real reason you decide to push everyone away is because mommy didn't love us and neither did the first boy we fell in love with, so now all we do is lay in our bed and sulk while the sun sets and rises over and over again, mocking our pathetic lifestyle-"

I grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him mercilessly, "Shut up!" I screamed, unable to face the truth. I couldn't stand it, he knew every intimate detail about me, mocking me until I just couldn't take it anymore. 

He pushed me off of him, sending my body backwards towards the ground despite his small stature. Sitting on my chest, he had a kitchen knife to my throat, ready to impale me at any second. I couldn't move, fear overriding my brain and sending panicked signals to my limbs. It was over. I was going to lose my life a second time, and to my younger self of all people. Closing my eyes, I'd just hoped it would be quick and painless.

One minute turned to two, and then two to three and so on. My eyes stay closed, my body bracing for the feeling of cold metal piercing my skin, but that feeling never came. Finally opening my eyes, I was shocked to find myself not only standing upright, but poised with a knife to my own throat. With a shrewed laugh, I finally understood.

Where had all this back and forth nonsense gotten me? By running away from the truth and denying the inevitable I was only digging myself deeper into this hole. I was theoretically holding the knife to my throat at all times, self sabotaging all progress I'd tried to make. Was that to say I really did harbor feelings for Shizuo? I wouldn't know, but after all the kindness he'd shown me, it was a good fucking place to start. This entire time, the young boy who I'd been previously had been the catalyst to this entire breakdown. I was so afraid of becoming that dejected unloved child, that I'd ended pushing my humanity away in favor of living as a hollow shell. The desire to take my own life had only stemmed from the part of me that pushed away responsibility at all costs. How naive I had been. 

The floor dropping out from underneath me, I found myself spiraling downwards, until voices swam around me, almost too far out of reach to comprehend. I couldn't open my eyes, eyelids feeling like bricks of cement weighing me down. Zoning in on the chatter that buzzed around me, I could pick out two familiar voices; Shinra and Shizuo. 

"I know this might come as a shock to you Shizuo, but even though he may seem cold-blooded, he is more human, and his heart more brittle than anybody else, so much so that if you filled it with human love or betrayal, it would break easily," Shinra stopped, taking a pained breath in, "Which is why, I think, he chose from the start to avoid it all, to love humanity, you understand? Not to accept, not to face it, to avoid it. That's just who he is. He always runs away from things he can't accept," 

Shinra's examination of my personality and my reasoning was spot on as usual. He'd known me so well, as if I was a book he'd read a thousand times, yet he still treated me as if he was ignorant to my human feelings. Despite the pain he inflicted deep below my surface, I couldn't help but mentally crack a smile knowing that he knew these intimate details. Aware that he had kept those facts in some filing cabinet in his meticulous brain, I could've cried. That's all I had ever needed, just a shred of proof that he cared about me, even on a subatomic level, that was it. It was the closure that would help me begin to heal all of my Shinra sized wounds. 

"That makes no fucking sense," Shizuo murmured, "How could the way he acts and the way he thinks be so different? How the hell am I supposed to understand him and help him when half of his personality will always be a lie?" 

"Think of it like this Shizuo," Shinra sighed, knowing just as well as I did that Shizuo's protozoic brain could only take so much, "He's hiding 75% of himself because he's afraid. I told you, his heart is more fragile than any of ours. If you had a heart of glass, wouldn't you hide it too?"

With this I couldn't help but chuckle. I could feel their gazes shoot over to me, despite my eyelids remaining shut. The air in the room shifted, leaving us all in an eerie silence.

"You sure do make me sound like a little weakling, ne?" I croaked, voice hoarse from whatever drug I'd been sedated with. I opened my eyes, adjusting to the light enough so that I could look at Shizuo, "He's right though. I'm sure he's told you all my dirty little secrets, considering the little rat he is, so now you know. The Izaya Orihara that you once thought you knew never even existed. In truth, I've always been the hollow shell of a little boy whose parent's couldn't love him," It was hard to choke back my tears in my weakened state, but somehow through sheer willpower I was able to put on a mask to finish making my point. 

Instead of lecturing me like I was sure he would, tears fell down his face, breaking his body down in sobs. To say I was taken aback would've been an understatement, but I was amused nonetheless. He would never cease to exceed all of my expectations. 

Pulling me into a suffocating hug, I smiled against him, not at all minding the intoxicating smell of tobacco that dripped from his very being, "I fucking hate you sometimes Flea," he sobbed into my shoulder.

I chuckled, "Sometimes? Now we can't have that can we?"

He grabbed my face with both of his hands, pulling me even closer to him, if that was even possible at this point, "Shut up," He muttered, crashing our lips together, making my body tingle with excitement. It was quite possibly the neediest kiss he'd ever brought to my lips, as I wrapped my arms around him and begged for more. We were definitely both certified train-wrecks at this point, but I couldn't seem to want it any other way. Maybe, just maybe he was the push I needed to finally let go of the wounds that haunted my past. Maybe this heart of glass was ready to love once more, for old times sake.


	11. The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi- I'm not dead! Depression has been hitting me hard this year, leading me to abandon this work for a few months while working on myself. So sorry! Here's the next chapter!
> 
> Song:  
> [Rise Against - Swing Life Away]

Three days had passed of Shizuo and I living in almost silent domesticity, my depression degrading me to a mere lump of skin, useless and tangled in an amalgamation of sheets and bedding. To admit day in and day out to Shizuo that I was just too numb to move was humiliating to say the least, but the mere thought of leaving from the safety of my duvet was enough to convince me otherwise. By sheer willpower alone was I still gracing this world with my toxic presence, but at the rate I was hurling towards rock bottom, I was sure it wouldn't last long. 

"Izaya?" Shizuo called in softly through the crack of my bedroom door, "How're you feeling?"

Silence.

"Izaya?" He called again, "...Are you asleep?"

More silence.

Feigning sleep and lacking the mental capability to carry an eloquent conversation, I laid still, hoping all too hard he would return to my futon where he'd taken up residence these last few days. Of course with my absolutely atrocious luck, I felt the bed gently sink under his weight as he crawled in bed behind me, arm snaking around my small waist and pulling me against him. His warmth radiated around every point of contact, sinking into my skin and setting my nerves on fire. Whether it had sunk in that I harbored affectionate feelings for this man or not, it still greatly unnerved me that my body responded to him so instantly and recklessly. 

Truly if I had my way, I would've been that spot on the pavement perhaps, or maybe in a pill induced coma in an alley somewhere. Not even in my wildest most twisted dreams would I have ever conjured up the image of Shizuo Heiwajima holding my body against his.

The room was dimly lit, only the shadows coming in through jet black curtains of the fiery sunset over West Shinjuku cast any semblance of light. Shizuo's protective grip held me tightly, his hot breath hitting the back of my neck in tempo with mine. I was painfully aware of how he felt against me; Any small movement not going unnoticed to my hypersensitivity. It was absolutely repulsive. Since when did I care so much about such minuscule things? Since when did his small mannerisms mean anything to me?

Falling back into the swamp of thoughts that assaulted my brain, I found myself frightened for the first time in quite a while. The disgusting feelings hit me all at once, leading me to shift uncomfortably against Shizuo. I felt so weak, so feeble in my own being. The days seemed to bleed together in my memory, and soon I was even convinced I was wrong in insinuating the passage of time between us had really been three days since I'd met with Shinra. Was I losing my mind? Had my brain finally begun to give? Was I losing myself?

Letting out an involuntary whimper, I laced my fingers through my greasy unwashed hair. Pulling gently at my roots, I was frustrated. I hated feeling like this helpless mass of organs and tissue just wasting away, rotting on this queen sized bed. I felt so lost, so confused. Nothing seemed to excite me anymore. The little jabs and jokes I'd point at Shizuo when we spoke gave me no pleasure, the teasing seemingly meaningless now. The thought of aggravating him just for kicks had lost it's edge in my mind, leaving me to just keep my mouth shut. I didn't know what to say to him. I sure as hell didn't want to be sentimental, all that romance feeling like bile in the back of my throat, but I didn't want to be snippy either. Was there a way I could even train myself to be neutral? 

Sinking further and further into the abyss of my thoughts, I pulled harder at my fistfuls of hair, scalp burning under the intense grip. Every fiber of my being was screaming for escape, not willing yet to accept the premise of something like 'love' into my life, but somewhere deep inside me that little bud nudged at me to accept it with open arms. I'd convinced myself when I was a teen that I would sooner kill a man- namely Shizuo- before falling in love again, but what did that conviction mean when Shizuo happened to be the one I might be falling for?

Everything was so confusing and frustrating, grating on my nerves and catapulting me further and further into a den of self hate. Sometimes, in moments of weakness like these, I'd wish I had been born into normal circumstances. A mother and father who cared for me, a sexuality that didn't go against the grain and fabric of society, perhaps maybe even a partner who I could trust and spend my life with. Yet here I laid, limbs tangled intimately with my former worst enemy, brain running on autopilot as I let my self loathing consume me.

Crawling over me and effectively pinning me to the bed, Shizuo's intense amber gaze swept over my languid body. Gently tugging at my wrists, he released my leaden grip at my scalp and guided my hands to their sides. Before I could question his motives or voice my repulsion at how warm and doting he made my insides feel, I was met with his lips against mine. The kiss was chaste and it was over before my brain could even process how much I needed it, and without thinking I found myself whimpering at the loss as soon as he broke contact.

"Stop thinking," He breathed, hot breath ghosting over my already parted lips, "You're letting your negative thoughts win Izaya. Just shut your brain down. I want radio silence, okay?"

Closing my eyes, I took in a few careful deep breaths. The weight of Shizuo's palms on either side of my head nauseated me, whether because I was becoming infatuated or because I was disgusted, I didn't really know. I tried to silence my thoughts, the neon warning signs that came with Shizuo's touch blaring all too bright in my damaged psyche. Squeezing my eyes shut tighter, I tried shooing away every unwanted thought, any malicious idea and observation, ultimately failing as the what ifs assaulted me without regret.

What if this was just all a sick ploy to break me down? What if this was some fucked up and twisted experiment of Shinra's just so he could get Izaya Orihara, the leech, off of his back? Was I just that repulsing? What if this was Shizuo's big plan to finally bring me down? Get me all cozied up to him, force me to fall in love, and then hypothetically rip the carpet from underneath my feet. Worst of all, what if this wasn't any sort of demented plan at all? What if I was really falling in love?

Bringing me back to the surface of reality, Shizuo pulled me up and out of bed. My legs were shaky, not used to being upright on solid ground after this few day lapse of major depression. Clinging to Shizuo, he guided me downstairs and into my living room, the sunset lighting of late evening giving me an instant migraine.

"What are you doing protozoan?" I finally croaked out, voice hoarse and filled with annoyance as I squinted at the warm light.

Shizuo looked down at me, radiant smile practically blinding me more than the setting sun itself, "I'm giving you something to smile about,"

Confusion washed over my features as his works sunk in. What could possibly make me smile at this point? Everything was so useless- I was useless. Internally I was convinced that no matter what he did, a genuine smile would never be summoned to my lips again for as long as I lived, but as soon as Shizuo pulled out his phone I almost ate my words.

Setting his phone on my coffee table, he pressed a button, letting soft acoustic music fill the room. The melody sounded familiar, like something I'd absentmindedly heard playing on the radio as I sat in the back of a cab or maybe over lunch at Russia Sushi. Grabbing my wrists, he laid my palms across his shoulders as he grabbed my hips. Swaying ever so slowly, he closed his eyes and held me close, letting the music guide our movements. Were we... dancing?

Swallowing my pride and speaking up first, I mumbled, "What the hell are you doing Shizu-chan? I didn't peg you for a dancer," I chuckled through my nose, "All those long lanky limbs of yours seem to only be good at destroying things, ne?"

Cracking a sly smirk, he cast his gaze down at me, taking in my disheveled appearance as he rocked us back and forth, "I've never danced before," He admitted, "This is my first time. Thought that alone would amuse you, flea," Adding my nickname jokingly at the end, I couldn't help but let out a small amicable huff, letting a grin paint my recently sullen features.

"You really are something," I sighed contently, Shizuo lifting me back upright after a surprising dip, "You're so unpredictable that it's sickening. I can't stand you. Every single thing you do goes against every insinuation I can fathom and yet here I am letting you sweep me off of my feet again. I must've really lost my marbles this time,"

Leaning down, Shizuo smiled against my lips before colliding them with his own. I tightened my grip around his neck, pressing myself as closely as I could against his warm solid figure. His lips moved lazily against mine as he multi-tasked, body still lightly swaying to the acoustic guitar that enveloped us. I wrinkled my nose slightly, the taste of tobacco filling my mouth as Shizuo's tongue slid past my parted lips. I hadn't eaten in two days, my stomach churning in discomfort as I swallowed down the bitter taste of nicotine. It wasn't as if I was unfamiliar with it, given my proximity to Shizuo and his heated kisses this last week, but for me to let it be the only thing filling an already upset and emptied stomach, well that was surely a recipe for disaster.

Moving his hands from my waist, Shizuo trailed one hand up my side, the other dipping below my belt, cupping my bare ass in his warm palm. I let out a strangled gasp, both horrified by the amorous touch and breathlessly consumed by the butterflies that fluttered in my gut. Taking his index and middle fingers, he tipped my head upwards, eyes meeting his in a fiery gaze. My brain stuttered, panicking at the intimacy that danced behind his eyes.

"I don't love you," I blurted out, mind reeling from the new feelings he was planting within me, "I don't understand why you're doing this. If it's for love, then you're an even bigger protozoan than I'd originally thought. I don't love. I just- I don't,"

Smiling warmly, he pecked my lips, "I'm not asking you to love me Izaya," He started, hot breath hitting my face in slow rhythmic puffs, "I'm only asking you to tolerate me. To accept me like you have been. If somehow someday you fall in love with me, then fucking sweet, jackpot for me, but if not that's fine too. I have no expectations of you other than for you to be open and honest with me. You're not in this alone Izaya. Not anymore. Not ever again,"

Cursing every cell in my body, I felt my face heat in embarrassment as his words hit me, their full gravity weighing heavily on my guarded heart. Damn this blond monster and all his honey coated words. I was willingly hurling myself off a tedious cliff, lulled by the promise of unadulterated affection that he guaranteed me. What would happen when I reached the bottom? Would I just hit hard concrete, like I had imagine when this whole escapade started, or would Shizuo catch me, like he had seemed to do every day I'd sunk too low?

Still swinging gently to the melancholy hymn that reverberated softly throughout my apartment, I buried my face in Shizuo's chest, earning a small rumble of approval from the taller man. I hated every single sliver of weakness I was showing to him but as much as I'd dreaded finally admitting it, I needed these arms wrapped firmly around me keeping my broken pieces together. Just the small act of being entangled in his warmth, swaying gently and- dare I say- romantically to some melodic pop song had quieted the tidal wave of raging thoughts in my head. 

With as much force as I could muster, I thrust my head upwards, connecting forcefully with Shizuo's jaw and sending him staggering a few steps backwards.

"Ow- What the fuck was that for Flea?" He rubbed his chin in protest, "Just when I finally think I'm getting somewhere with you, you go and-"

"Shut up for a second," I interrupted, silencing him almost instantly, "That was for making me feel all these stupid things. I've never felt so fucking weak and insolent, and it bothers the fuck out of me, but for some reason, as long as you're here, it feels okay," I grabbed him by the shirt dragging him down to look directly into my eyes, "I hate you so much Shizu-chan,"

For the first time in almost six whole months I genuinely smiled, letting Shizuo take in the frightening sight only inches from my curved lips. He gaped in shock, the tips of his ears turning a shade of soft rose as he closed the distance between us, slowly enveloping me in a much fiercer kiss than before. Bodies pressed tightly against each other, I tangled my fingers in his hair, tasting his cigarette soaked tongue and reveling in the way it filled the hollow feelings that plagued my chest. 

Tugging him backwards onto the couch, he hovered above me. Breaking our kiss he pressed his forehead against my own. Sighing heavily, breath heaving in his chest from the intensity of our kiss, he closed his eyes.

"I changed my mind," He murmured, lips still hovering centimeters from mine.

"About what?" I rasped out, the ferocity of our kiss impacting my vocal chords more than I'd anticipated.

Slipping his hands under my shirt and pulling it upwards to reveal my thin waistline, he breathed nine terrifying words I hadn't anticipated to hear.

"I think I really am in love with you,"


	12. Don't Say Those Words To Someone Like Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I have a head cold and I feel like Plum ass (Plum is my cat and if you knew of the things that have exited her hellish ass, you'd understand the gravity of my horrible feelings) so please excuse any mistakes in my text if there are any <3 Hopefully these sniffles will abandon me soon. Until then, tea and menthol cough drops!
> 
> Song:  
> [The Neighbourhood - Cry Baby]  
> ((The song lyrics tie in really well with Izaya's struggles in this chapter, so I highly recommend giving it a listen!))

The cruel being that is Izaya Orihara never deserved a happy ending. Going all the way back to childhood, nothing had ever worked out in my favor. From parents with a work ethic that outweighed their love for their young son and newborn twin daughters, to unrequited love in high-school and even sexual abuse at the cusp of adulthood, it seemed like I would never get a break. Though, sadly, that's how I came to deem my worth. I was worth lies and secrets; Gathering information for nefarious men for even more nefarious deeds. I'd found my niche there, sinking into a trench filled with the most toxic people in the most toxic environment. Maybe it was my own doing, a bad decision in high-school turned full time underground career, or maybe, it was fate.

Wiping the accumulating tears in my eyes, I gazed at my bedroom ceiling. After hearing Shizuo admit to me so honestly that he could be in  _ **love**_  of all things, I'd retreated into my bedroom, locking the door and encasing myself within a cocoon of duvet covers and fancy silk sheets. I didn't want to think about things like love, especially with every 'what if', 'why', and 'how' that came from being the monster's person of interest. I'd never been anyone's crush; I'd never even been anyone's boyfriend! How was I expected to deal with a confession from the Prince of Destruction? I'd never imagined falling in love, let alone be it with him, so how was I supposed to act in the face of such atrocity? 

I just had to settle in with the fact I was disintegrating. The faceless mask of Izaya, the amazing informant for Shiki Haruya, was slowly falling from my face, exposing the quiet and loveless boy within. I was shedding my exterior, unwillingly letting go of the facade I had put up for nearly 10 years. It was pitiful and horrifying all the same. After pretending to be unfeeling and cold, manipulative and cunning, sociopathic and unforgiving, I had come to believe these were truly my personality traits. Now, when all I was left with were my true thoughts and feelings, I felt anxious and alien in my own skin.

"Izaya," Shizuo's muffled voice called through my bedroom door, "You're acting like a spoiled child,"

I scoffed, "Childish? You think someone who grew up both without a concept of love and with multiple rejections of love is acting like a  _spoiled child_  for finding it daunting? You've got to be fucking kidding me,"

I could hear Shizuo shuffling from the other side of the door, weight shifting uncomfortably between his two legs. "I love you. What is so fucking daunting about that? Do you still not trust me? How many times have I kissed you now, or held you protectively against me? Do you really think I'm that much of an dishonest asshole?"

Sitting up pin-straight I glowered at the door. I'd thought in the past he'd definitively earned the crude nickname protozoan, but right in this very moment, he'd never fit the bill more. Sure, I was paranoid about his sudden attitude change towards me, my brain still trying to comprehend the lips of someone who'd tried to kill me enveloping me with such affectionate warmth. This whole situation was uncharted territory for me, there was no reason to crucify me for being careful. I didn't believe in love.

Rising from my spot entangled in my sheets, I stomped over to my bedroom door and swung it open, slamming it into my desk with enough force to send my pencil cup sideways, knocking all my writing utensils straight to the floor. Glaring a hole through Shizuo, I crossed my arms over my chest. "Why?"

"Why what?" He sighed, annoyance barely contained.

"Why me? Why do you love me specifically? You have plenty of less problematic people in your life to consider as potential mates, so why me?" My gaze didn't waver, the ironclad stare hoping to draw the truth that I needed to hear from him.

He exhaled heavily through his nose, leaning his weight against my door frame, "There isn't a reason Izaya," I nearly slammed my door in his face, his monstrous strength the only thing keeping it from shutting me away from him once again, "Will you listen to me for two fucking seconds you prima-donna?  There isn't one serious answer I can give you alright? I spent years of my life wishing you were dead, hoping one day I'd read in a newspaper that you'd finally gotten what you deserved. You know why? Because you thought it was so fucking important to be a sarcastic temperamental asshole to every single person you came into contact with. I didn't know you had any shred of humanity in you. To me you were a lowly disgusting flea. Then a week ago I find myself in Shinra's apartment after being jumped by some gang members, who I assumed you sent on me, hearing you give your own fucking eulogy over the phone," Shizuo paused, breath heavy as he watched as I took in all the details of his exasperated explanation.

"I didn't think about the reason why I was doing it Izaya, I just took off in a dead sprint. When I was dangling you off that rooftop trying to pull you up, I wasn't reasoning with myself. I wasn't working through my head why it was a good or a bad idea, I just fucking did it. Not everything needs to be so goddamn analytical. Sometimes people don't listen to their brains," Shizuo paused again, looking directly into my wide eyes this time, "They listen to their hearts. And that's exactly what I did. Some sentimental and stupid part of me didn't like seeing you in such a pathetic state. I hated it. Deep inside me it physically hurt to see you suffer- every cell in my body screamed to do something, anything, to make you better. Even if I don't know what love really is in essence, considering I've never been in love, I consider these feelings to be just that. An overwhelming feeling to protect, to shield and to care for, that is what my love is for you. No reason behind it. It's just something I feel for you. Something I've never felt before,"

I stood in absolute astonishment, his words hitting me like a freight train. Truly when I'd asked, I hadn't expected an answer at all. I'd anticipated his protozoic annoyance to take over and render him a confrontational idiot like I'd always known him to be. I certainly didn't expect a well thought out and sentimental explanation of his actions. My heart burned in my chest, now even more conflicted than it was before.

I'd known that over this last week spent with Shizuo I'd awakened some idiotic selfish desire within myself, but whether that was 'love' or not, I wasn't sure. I'd only felt two kinds of love in my life. One, the love from my parents I'd so craved, a feeling so raw and painful when it was denied over and over again that it sent me into an almost mute state for years after, and two, the love from my first crush, a pain so agonizing and revolting- a clawing selfish infatuated and jealous tide that plagued me enough to attempt to take my own life, had been all I ever had known of love. Though compared to both these instances, Shizuo was on a completely different plane.

Shizuo was warm. Everything about him was summery, whether it be his heart, his body, or his soul, all had seemed to exude that same infectious calidity. Perhaps that had been what had drawn me in; As my days got colder, my life outlook becoming more pessimistic and oblique, he'd seemed to shine through as my proverbial sun breaking through the storm-clouds. My paranoia at any possibly ulterior motives still threatened to outweigh all of my careful thinking, but the explanation that Shizuo gave seemed to have made so much sense in my mind that I wasn't sure if it was preventing me from being fearfully critical or if it was pushing me to see the truth that was in front of me this whole time; Shizuo was in love, and he was in love with  _me_.

Snapping me out of my self-argumentative daze, Shizuo closed the distance between us, backing me up until the back of my knees were colliding with my bed-frame, my back hitting the mattress with a small thud as I fell backwards.

"What did I tell you about thinking too much? Radio silence Izaya. Over-thinking things is just going to put you in an even worse mood," Shizuo exhorted, the goading in his deep velvet voice making the hairs on my arms stand up, "Did you take nothing from what I've told you today? I love you and I want to protect you from all the bullshit your head keeps feeding you. Shut it off. Live in the moment here with me awhile, please?"

My face heated in defiance, fist colliding with the hard exterior of Shizuo's torso. Belligerent tears fell down my face in hurried droplets as I narrowed my eyes at him once again. "Is this what you want?" I cursed, voice coming out hoarse and weak, "You want to see all of my weaknesses? You want me to open up to you and spill my guts- to expose myself until theres nothing left? You want to see the uncensored unedited version of me? The weeping confused boy who wondered what he'd done to be shut out from any semblance of affection? Well you've got another thing fucking coming Shizuo Heiwajima because I am nobody's cry baby!" 

Disobeying my rant, my eyes continued to pour tears out even harder as shudders and sobs wracked my body. I slammed my palms against my eyes, both shielding my shameful appearance from Shizuo and hoping that the pressure on my weeping eyes would stall any further tears from leaking through. I felt absolutely abysmal; death right at this very second wouldn't even be a kindness, the embarrassment at wearing my heart on my sleeve was too great of a damage that had already been done. At this moment I found I couldn't hold the facade any longer, as I felt any pretense of who Izaya Orihara had formally been melt away under the honey eyes that seemed to unravel me so well. 

"Izaya, will you look at me?" Shizuo asked, gently moving my palms from shielding my vulnerability, "I'm not asking any of that from you. If you don't want to show me something, shit, fine, whatever, I'm cool with that. I'm never going to force you to do anything, especially when it has to do with you crying. Why would I want you to be a cry baby when just seeing you like this makes me want to beat the crap out of myself for not preventing it? Fuck Izaya, all I'm asking is for you to be yourself. That's all I want. How many times do I have to tell you I love you until you get it through your thick skull?"

"Never stop saying it," 

The words left my mouth before I could stop them, surprising even me when the weight of them settled into the atmosphere of the room. I hadn't meant to say them- I hadn't meant to say anything, my mind too consumed with mortification as I became a blubbering mess right in front of the protozoan to even formulate a sentence. Was this what Shizuo meant when he'd tried to explain that his affectionate actions towards me were thoughtless? Was I simply mimicking what I'd seem from Shizuo over this past week, or was that my heart saying what my brain could never?

"What?" Shizuo choked out, astounded almost beyond words that he'd heard me correctly.

Cheeks already feeling red hot as I was sure they were tinted a bright scarlet, I covered my face once more, hoping that hiding enough would shrink me away into nonexistence. Why was he doing this to me and how was he doing it? Were these really just grateful affectionate feelings, or was I falling into the love trap once again? If he ended up hurting me as Shinra had so coldly in the past, would I be able to recover this time? My psyche had weakened considerably over these barren toxic years, did I dare risk taking the chance knowing full well what the consequences could be?

"Are you serious?" I asked, voice barely above a whisper, "About love? About loving me?"

Without hesitation, Shizuo blurted, "Yes, absolutely!", before clearing his throat and regaining his composure once more. Settling his serious eyes on me, he elaborated, "I don't think there's really ever been anything I've been more sure about,"

Peeking through my fingers at him, I scoffed through my ceasing tears, "You're going to regret it,"

Leaning down and hovering his lips above mine, he let his hot breath ghost over my face, chuckling softly when I unconsciously bit my lip at the entrancing sight. "I'd like to find that out on my own Izaya. You never know until you try,"

Narrowing my eyes from behind the fingertips that barely covered my face anymore, I glanced between his intoxicating caramel gaze and the lips that hovered only centimeters above mine. "Oh? And how to you plan to try on an unwilling participant?" I weakly countered, his warmth and earthy tobacco scent already putting me under his spell.

Letting out a breathy chortle, his eyes lit up in amusement as I squirmed anxiously beneath him, "Just say the words Izaya, and I'm all yours,"

His words soaked into my skin starting a small fire within my chest. As if I was issued a challenge, I was tempted to take him up on it, my competitive nature almost being my downfall multiple times, but this time the stakes were too high; It would take a copious amount of convincing to even get a bet from my end. At least that's what I'd thought. As Shizuo leaned into me, strategic points of his solid long frame connecting with mine, my head started to spin. As his body melded with mine perfectly against the mattress, I was being coaxed further and further into taking the life-changing chance I'd been dreading since that insolent doctor ripped out my heart and stomped it into the ground.

Grabbing Shizuo by the collar of his shirt, I pressed my forehead against his. Closing my eyes and consulting my better judgment once more, I breathed out a heavy sigh and softly sank into his irresistible heat.

Seconds before pulling him into a harsh and needy kiss, I gave him the few words he was looking for- words that had daunted me for years and effectively just sealed my doom.

"I think love you too Shizuo,"


End file.
